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Soon to Close Dance Club Opens Today


Springfield—A new dance club opened today on South Street in downtown Springfield and according to the owner, Dan Matthews, he can’t wait to be the next in a long line of Queen City dance clubs to shut their doors quickly. “I am thrilled to follow the path forged by Traffic, Club Intensity, Confetti’s and so many others,” said Mr. Matthews.

Rather than open a business to make money, Mr. Matthews said he was compelled to open a dance club out of a desire to do something with absolutely no hope of success. “I’ve never really tasted failure, but I’m really looking forward to seeing what it’s like.”

The most difficult part so far was deciding on the name. “I considered a few sexually themed names to speed up the shutting down process, such as Dancegasm, The Fun Hole, or Yesticles, but I didn’t like those. Then I decided to go the route of odd nouns-that-might-be-verbs like Traffic and Drink did. So I considered names like Bump, Waddle, and Poop.” However those names fell short of the owner’s vision as well.

“I really wanted a name that would get that good opening rush that I need right before I put up the ‘Closing Soon’ signs.” In the end, he combined a random word out of the dictionary with a random name out of the phonebook to create the name now emblazoned across the front of the building: Bludgiles.

“I want people to think, ‘What the hell does that mean? I better go in and find out.’ But then after I shut down, I want the name to be so odd that no one will really remember it. Kind of like San, or Van, or Zin, whatever that place is that just closed.” When told that ‘Zan’ was actually still open. Mr. Matthews became visibly excited and said that he looks forward to seeing who can close first.

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  1. First reaction when i saw the before and after: awesome.