Fuzz Challenge Drunks to Dodge Saturation

Buffalo, MO—Missouri Highway Patrol Troop D will conduct four driving-while-intoxicated saturations in Dallas County in June, July, and August with no element of surprise. So if you’re planning to drink those months in that area well, let this serve as a heads-up.

Areas selected for enforcement are based on a high number of drinking-related traffic crashes, high numbers of contacts with drivers who have been drinking, and officer input as to probable contact with DWI violators based on officers’ past experiences, according to a news release. Basically, they’re going to be parking outside of bars, local meth labs and kegger parties loaded with boozehounds.

“This is a classic case of hero—villain dependency,” said graphic novelist author Stan Lee. “The Joker needs someone to vex and Batman needs someone to keep in check,” he continued, “it seems to me that the authorities in Dallas County want to give the criminals a head start.”

“I just hope we get the chance to chase an offender for a while before we take custody of the perp,” said Trooper Joel Thunder. “We don’t get a lot of action out here. Please if you’re going to break the law, please drink enough to be over the limit but still be able to give chase in your vehicle.”

“I’ll swear to drunk, I’m not God, and I ain’t gon’ get caught again this summer,” said Puggle Combs, local drunk, as he removed his pants and flung them around his head like a helicopter before puking on his own feet. “I cannot wait for June,” laughed Thunder with a longing smile gently wiping vomit from Puggle’s scraggly beard.

Motorists are urged to report any driver they observe operating a vehicle while chugging a 40, discarding empty beer cans into the bed of a truck or brown bagging it down a country road. The public can contact the Missouri State Highway Patrol toll-free at 1-800-525-5555 or on their cellular phone at *55.

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