Nixa Alderman Deny Judicial System

NIXA, MO—At least two city aldermen are calling for the town’s mayor to resign as soon as possible. Mayor Brian Hayes faces charges of driving while intoxicated and has yet to be found guilty of breaking any laws.

Aldermen Michael Durbin and Kevin Elmer say Hayes needs to step down so a new mayor, or co-mayers can be elected to take hold of the intoxicating power that radiates from the Mayor of Nixa’s office. “Yeah, he should step down,” said Durbin.

Local officials had gathered up several citizens who clutched pitch-forks and burning torches to construct and light a-fire one giant X in Hayes’ yard as a symbol of terror to force him out of power before they were reminded that he did in fact have a right to a fair trial. “Dang, I forgot bout that,” said Harry Beedle, owner of Pitch-Forks and Torches.

Most citizens agree that the Mayor’s actions were plainly stupid and may require some sort of retribution. “I’d be happy if he’d wore Ozark Tigers colors and sang their school song on their courthouse steps for a week as punishment,” scowled Brimly Hoosefer. Grady Yillard claims a man charged with DUI in Nixa should be lowered into a sinkhole for three days after locals beat the man with socks filled with batteries, because “that’s what happened to me”.

If Hayes does step down, he plans to form an exploratory committee to weigh a bid for retiring U.S. Sen. Kit Bond‘s seat in 2010. If vacated, former Springfield Councilman Ralph Manley plans to run for the office of Nixa mayor.

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