NorthStar Battery Recharges Local Employment Rates

Springfield, MO—NorthStar Battery intends to hire up to 500 people over the next few years for the new plant it has built in northwest Springfield. Company, city and civic officials celebrated the completion of the new plant by licking both the male and female connections of nine-volt batteries.

“Zzzz-ow!” cried one official after feeling the shock to the tongue while cutting the red ribbon at the plant. Plant manager Jim Kenny greeted Mayor Jim O’Neal with a battery-powered electric shock hand buzzer. “Leapin’ lizards’ lollipops,” yelped O’Neal—drawing a laugh from the assembled crowd—before exiting to change his soiled chinos.

“Soon we’ll have over 900 employees. That means we could kick the crap out of small towns like Fremont Hills, just because we want to,” said Kenny.

The new plant will feature builds on news designs such as the baseball battery, aerodynamically adjusted for chucking at opposing outfielders, the chewable battery, for consumers needing a quick energy boost and the new iPhone battery featuring half the life of existing models. A Baghdad Battery replica will be housed in the entryway of the new plant symbolizing the fact that we’ve had power packs for thousands of years.

Jobs will be assigned to applicants who can withstand 10 minutes of barbaric electroshock therapy without losing their minds. Candidates will also be required to pass an electric shock lie detector.

Kenny said the new battery plant is to be run entirely on wind, solar and geothermal power. As he attempted to leave the site, he required a jump start from a nearby police squad car as his vehicle’s battery failed.

No word yet on whether NorthStar Ice Cream will be adding any new plants to the Ozarks area.

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