Obama Speech Warps Kids’ Minds to Think Independently

Springfield, MO—After hearing President Obama’s speech today, Ozarks children’s minds were warped to the point of thinking independently. The speech has caused a buzz around the area as some parents said they worried that the president is seeking to deliver a political message to young people so that their brainwashing efforts might be thwarted.

Local parent Jim Succall said, “I don’t need that political magician blowin’ pixie dust into my child’s ears makin’ them any smarter. That’s my job. To blow pixie dust…into their ears, tickling their brainwaves to make ‘em smarter. Pixie dust does that.”

The Department of Education says the president wishes to speak to children about the importance of school, and he will challenge them to set goals that they might achieve. “What? What the heck is he doing? He’s not a father, he’s a monster! I can’t stand people who try to help children,” said Hillary Stewart, local speech opponent, single parent of none, and jealous of the attention she isn’t getting from the President.

Springfield superintendent officials are quick to point out that those children who are withheld from the programming, at their parents request, will be able to access the speech immediately on their personal mobile devices during their first opportunity.

“The last time a president addressed our children was in 1850 when Millar Fillmore attempted it, now that lead directly to the Compromise of 1850, right?” said Tulie Rimmersfield.

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