One Man Rush to Purchase Rams

Radio talk show host plans to purchase Rams and their conservative style of play

St. Louis, MO—Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh says he is teaming up with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the St. Louis Rams. If purchased, it is widely assumed that Limbaugh will institute a Gang of Eight football management style to leverage his experience of on-air offensive lines, piling on, being out of bounds and multiple personal fouls.

Springfield fan Gary Belcher said, “I guess that would compliment their conservative offense.” Limbaugh declined to immediately comment on the pending transaction, citing a confidentiality agreement with the Bank of Amigo, the financial firm hired by the family of late Rams owner Georgia Frontiere to review assets of her estate.

Rams quarterback Marc Bulger said, “[If Limbaugh becomes an owner] we’re obviously going to need to make our audibles more obnoxious.”

Limbaugh said the defensive linesmen will need to receive an “Addadicktomy” in order to perform up to his standards. He also hopes to avoid the drive-by sports media, clean up any illegal prescriptions, er procedures in the National Football League and looks forward to stamping “dittohead” on all players’ helmets (Limbaugh plans to rename the team to the St. Louis RINOs).

Head coach Steve Spagnuolo says under this ownership he would be forced to design a new hurry-up-and-be-offensive scheme and would require all “Fumblenazi’s” to be placed on immediate probation.

Limbaugh insists that his ownership would in no way interfere with his obsession with The Greatest Football Team in the History of Civilization, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

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