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Vampire Underground Holds Open House

Vampire UndergroundSpringfield, MO—The Ozarks very own Vampire Underground will be holding an open house this Halloween week welcoming community members, vampire queens and other “humans” who might need an “awakening”. The meeting will be held at Hell’s Church in Springfield’s subterranean Jordan Creek Tunnel that runs under downtown.

Vampire Underground members David, Paul, Marko, and Dwayne have personally contributed décor to Hell’s Church that includes refuse — liquor bottles, used deodorant sticks, a cooler, a pair of pants, a table and several junky office chairs, next to a pitched nylon tent.

Guest are encouraged to bring a covered dish to share during the meeting, however, items containing garlic, holy water or stale blood are discouraged. The Vampire Underground’s leader, Max, suggests interested parties RSVP in advance to reserve their spot at the gathering. Max said, “Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire.”

All interested parties should meet at the Springfield Library’s Midtown Carnegie Branch after the moon fills and the crow cries twice; then group leaders will guide groups to the underground meeting space.

Those seeking an “awakening” will be directed to the Springfield cemetery, where “humans” will be prompted to drink the blood of a vampire. Select vampires will also be made available to drink “human” blood to complete the “awakening”. Parties participating are encouraged to make a donation to the group, or at least provide a nominal tip for services provided.

Interviews with the Vampire Underground are available. Blade, Buffy, Edgar and Allen Frog, a.k.a. the Frog Brothers, are not invited.

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  1. Shaun B. says:

    I would love to cater the affair.

    Dexter

    Dexter’s Funeral Home

  2. Renee says:

    Is this for real?

  3. admin says:

    Renee, we are a satire news organization. This is real satire.

  4. Cathy says:

    When will the next gathering be?! I AM SOO DOWN TO BE AWAKENED! LETS SUCK SHIT!

  5. Lotia Clark says:

    Yes, I was wondering if there was perhaps going to be another Open House sometime this year?
    I would assume it would also be held the week of St. Hallows eve, but I would love to be there and see some of my family, if there are any I’m related to.
    Please contact me any information on the Vampire Underground or any meetings. I would love to hear more from anyone. Please email me at rosalin_ew_681803@yahoo.com
    I will reply to you probably no later than two weeks. Thankyou for your time?