Springfield, MO—Local KY3 political reporter David Catanese has been drafted by the POLITICO machine and will be serving a new function in the organization in January 2010. For the past 5 years Catanese has reported informative political news in a timely fashion to the Ozarks, however, nothing could have prepared him for his new assignment: go undercover to report and expose the corruption of his government.
In his undercover assignment, Catanese plans to appear covered in blood and slumped in the backseat of a police car as it races to a hospital, having just been shot in the face, to gain the respect of his new inside sources. Catanese is idealistic—he believes in non-brutal methods to catch political criminals—he’ll refuse to join in on political corruption, specifically that which involves shaking down and taking payoffs from corporations and lobbying organizations. His refusal to take bribes will earn him the suspicion of his fellow reporters throughout the majority of the beats to which he is assigned.
Eventually, Catanese will move to Greenwich Village, grow his hair and beard long in order to maintain a more plainclothes appearance, and associate with a more left-wing crowd that is distrusting of political bosses. “The reality is that we do not wash our own laundry – it just gets dirtier,” said Catanese.
News of Catanese’s hiring has prompted responses from several notable personalities including former President Bill Clinton who said, “With Cat Man on board POLITICO, I’ll read it every day.” Tom Brokaw weighed in remarking, “Catanese’s efforts on KY3 Political Notebook garnered national attention. If you’re looking for a great website, that’s the one to go to.” Television personality Tucker Carlson, MSNBC, said, “POLITICO with Catanese is outstanding. I’ll read it more closely every morning than any other paper.” Even the polarizing Bill O’Reilly commented on the new hire by simply stating, “I like POLITICO. It’s good, it’s accurate. There are smart people there. David is smart. I could never work there.”
At the end of his assignment, the mugwump plans to brand a new form of government known as “Catanocracy”. Using the POLITICO platform as the vehicle, Catanese will strive to develop a universal government appealing to all people as he blows the whistle on rampant political corruption staving off comrades who turn against him.
Filed Under: Politics