Springfield, MO—This holiday season Ozarkers are “pickin’ parking spots” aggressively. Employment of this new method of securing the perfect parking spot in crowded store lots includes use of abusive language, obscene gestures and if needed a common ice pick.
Drivers have been seen patrolling lots for several minutes waiting for a prime parking location near the front entrance of a store. Unwilling to take a few extra steps to burn off some pent-up energy from a less convenient parking location, drivers circle like sharks burning up precious natural resources in their hulking SUVs.
Should two opposing automobile operators select the same valued real estate, a pick-off is likely to ensue. At first, Christmas shoppers (those who follow the peaceful teachings of Jesus Christ) will engage each other with a flurry of verbal sparring laced with incendiary language, quickly followed by the universal hand gesture for “go pack yourself [a gift]”, “fauck the herald angel stings” and/or “I’d like to place my tree into your star”.
Should such negotiations disintegrate, motorists will quickly leap from their vehicle, produce an ice pick (or other suitable shiv) and proceed to pick apart the offending driver by stabbing relentlessly until the opponent relinquishes their claim to the section of lined asphalt in dispute.
Ice picks are available in a variety of colors and designs this year at retailers. Options include picks with bedazzled pink handles for woman, a shorter Disney character themed line for children and the fashionable choice for mall shoppers the Abercrombie n’ Pick.
For convenience, Chili’s Grill and Bar has instituted a valet picking service for those who simply wish to designate a pick-off. Springfield Police Department Sgt. Robert Pitts said drive by pickings are increasing and blames road raging “hicks with picks”.
Filed Under: Traffic