Holy Spirit Guides Drunk Home on Christmas

Local drunk was guided home by divine intervention

Springfield, MO—Local business man George Humphrey claims the Holy Spirit guided him home after an hours long drinking binge this past Christmas. “It was a miracle that I made it the 30 miles home, I was slamming beers, ripping shots and poppin’ pills like Amy Winehouse. Fortunately, sweet Jesus took the wheel when I headed home blind from my intoxication.”

“Humpy” as his friends call him, was confirmed, “stupid jacked-up beyond the darkest shade of Guinness”. Fellow Christmas night partier James “car bomb” O’Malley witnessed Humphrey’s miraculous ride home saying, “once Humpy got into his Blazer a strange glow encompassed his car, like heaven was peering upon it. I had to look away it was so bright; when I raised my head he was gone. I can only assume that divine intervention has control of the vehicle at that point.”

The band of hooligans started drinking to shake away the sour feelings of loneliness caused by their obsessive habit of uncontrollable drinking. “I was going down the highway and about to swerve when I let go of the wheel, hit a armadillo and the impact corrected my trajectory putting me back on track,” said Humphrey.

Witnesses confirmed seeing a 4-mile span of red lights open up like the Red Sea when Humphrey’s vehicle approached. “It was the strangest thing, one minute the light was green, then red, then right back to green,” said a nearby construction worker.

Humphrey was thought to praise his blessed ride home that night by wrapping his face onto a pube-covered toilet at his home.

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