Wal-Mart Replaces Greeters with Chimpanzees

Angry Walmart greeters to be phased out

Angry Walmart greeters to be phased out

Boliver, MO – Negative customer feedback has led Wal-Mart to begin replacing door greeters with trained Chimpanzees. “In test studies, we found that the chimps were seen as more friendly and could respond more quickly and expertly to customer concerns than the current door greeters,” said Wal-Mart public manipulations representative Sanford Serifftico.

Chimps will also save the company money, as they will work for twelve bananas per day (a cost of about $3). By comparison, human greeters command a salary of six adult diapers per 12-hour shift (a cost of about $35). Plus, Wal-Mart will no longer have to charter a bus to pick up the employees from local nursing homes.

Serifftico said Wal-Mart will not be laying off current greeters. Instead, it will utilize chimps for any new stores and replace human greeters after they die or become too feeble to scowl at customers. Serifftico’s expects chimps to replace human greeters at most stores within 18 months.

Not everyone is happy with this change. “I’ve been working as a greeter for 25 years,” said one elderly greeter who could not remember her name. “In that time, I’ve had at least two compliments. “Sure, chimps might be more friendly, move faster and look prettier than I do, but you can’t replace that human touch.”

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  1. Allen Marsh says:

    Well, there go my post-retirement employment plans…

  2. Dan'l Newell says:

    I love the line “said one elderly greeter who could not remember her name…” The entire last paragraph is very strong.