Evangel Guards Go Beyond God’s Armor

Security guards upgrade to the Gun of God's Wrath to complete their uniform.

Springfield, MO— Evangel is the first university in the Ozarks to add lethal weaponry to their arsenal of first line defenders. For years the university had relied upon pieces of God’s Armor for protection, however, now the security officers are allowed to pack man-made heat.

The University first bestowed crime-fighting technology upon its protection force in 1965 with the Belt of Truth. Later additions include the Breastplate of Righteousness (1976), Sandals of Peace (1982), Shield of Faith (1995), Helmet of Salvation (2001), and the Sword of the Spirit (2004).

“The Sword of the Spirit was cool, I mean, it looked heavy and was awkward for the officers to carry, but man it was a visual deterrent from going on toilet papering runs at campus,” said Evangel grad Tony Hujilly.

Officials say arming the security officers with guns has been a long time coming. “While problems on campus are rare, you feel more comfortable going into a situation with a loaded pistol instead of the sandals of peace,” said the Director of Security, “plus the sandals were hard to run in,” he continued.

Evangel’s security guards will not have arresting powers, just the ability to blast the life from any human form made in His image. A press release stated, “Being the Crusaders, we thought it was time we updated our war gear from the BC technologies. Casting the fear of God into people is really our primary goal. If evildoers know we can inflict pain, as from the finger of God, then they know that to take our security force in vein is a mistake punishable in Hell. Oh and no coeds in rooms past 7:30.”

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  1. zach says:

    this is hilarious!!!

  2. Matt says:

    This is hilarious!

  3. Allen Marsh says:

    As a former armed security guard, I can tell you that our company policy was essentially: “Here’s your gun. Never use it.”

  4. Mark says:


  5. A Willi says:

    where was this when i refereed intramurals! I didn’t even get the sword!