Springfield, MO—The first ever Body Hair Competition will be held at Patton Alley Pub immediately after the first ever Springfield Beard and Moustache Competition at 6:30 pm, here in the Ozarks. The Body Hair Competition was created for contestants who are not equipped with enough facial hair to compete in the headlining event.
Body Hair contestants will compete in four categories: Armpit, Genital, Back and Buttocks. “I’m so glad that they’ve opened up these categories for people like me who can’t grow a beard to save my life,” said Huey Tracy, a confirmed participant in the Buttocks category. “I’ve been growing out my chia arse shag for over 30 years; I never thought I would be in a position to be rewarded for it,” said Tracy, who claims to be able to support a small monkey clinging to his fuzzy assfro hindquarters.
Joey Unger plans to contend in the genital hair-straightening component of the contest. According to his mother-in-law, he’s been using all of her Aqua Net for three months preparing for the event. Unger claims to have perfected the “flying V” which he will unveil on Saturday night.
The worst performing Beard and Moustache competitors will judge all body hair sculpting, or manscaping. Event organizers said they couldn’t find any volunteers to judge the Body Hair event, so Beard & Moustache entrants who score the least amount of points will be punished by gazing upon the unsightly places that hair usually isn’t groomed on a man.
No word yet as to the inclusion of the Body Hair Competition into the BTUSA, or Beard Team USA, as they have only recognized facial hair in competitive chapters. Budd Johnsten holds out hope, “if people can be recognized for their thick burly muttonchops, then why can’t my Coolio-style braided back hair be applauded publicly?”
Filed Under: Sports