Springfield, MO – James River Assembly stunned local church watchers today announcing Lady Gaga as the headliner for next years’ I Love America annual celebration. A volunteer spokesperson for the Super-Center sized church said, “Lady Gaga was snatched from the jaws of drug addition by her dearly beloved dead Aunt Joanne and she has a real testimonial to share.”
According to a JRA insider one of the 24-Hour Prayer-Line Warrior volunteers learned of the Gaga dead Aunt Joanne connection while casually surfing the web waiting for hot-line calls in the middle of the night. A call-center volunteer told FCN, “Not a lot of prayer requests at 3:00 AM, so we typically Google somebody or fire off an occasional Tweet, maybe catch up on Facebook.” The annual celebration draws over 60,000 people and features all day “preachin’, singin’, and dinner on the grounds, concluding with a HOO-BOY fire and brimstone Come-To-Jesus pyrotechnical climax,” shouted longtime JRA volunteer Sarah June Graham-Cracker.
The JRA announcement comes on the heels of Gaga publicists revealing earlier this week that the quirky star’s unauthorized biography, Lady Gaga: Behind the Fame is due to hit bookstores soon. Ms. Gaga is known for blockbuster hits, I Like It Rough, So Happy I Could Die and Shake Ur Kitty. Gaga show producers tell FCN, “I Love America fans can expect a fabulous Red, White, & Blue, Holy Ghost romp and stomp good time at 65 & Division this July 4th.” Lady Gaga will be joined on stage by the combined JRA choirs and orchestra for a patriotic musical extravaganza unlike anything ever seen, or as Sister Graham-Cracker, exalted, “Extrav-a-gaga baby!”
This will be Gaga’s first time to the Ozarks prompting local Gaga handlers to reveal, “We have a full day planned including a VIP tour of Pro-Bass and a book-signing at the Wal-Marts.”
Filed Under: News