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Hipster Discovers He is a Hipster

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Hipster gets hip on self

Springfield, MO—Last weekend local hipster, Seth Trenton, was crushed to discover that he was, in fact, a hipster. Friends reported that Trenton was socializing at The Outland Bar before heading to one of his friend’s house shows, when, all of a sudden, he dropped his PBR to the floor and ran out crying. “No, he didn’t even go to the house show,” said friend, Kyle Austin, “he hopped on his fixie and bailed.”

“I was ripping on hipsters with my friends and when I looked around and saw everyone else’s ironic mustaches, it just hit me all at once,” explained Trenton. “I realized that I don’t need to wear these chunky-framed glasses to see and that these jeans are not comfortable. I realized that I wasn’t actually listening to Animal Collective before they were cool. I realized that I was a hipster—and it shattered my world.”

Trenton went home and immediately began work on abandoning his hipster ways. He threw away his plaid shirts and other clothing, shut down his photoblog, and even took a shower. Since the discovery, Trenton insists that he is happy with the changes, for better or worse. “I used to spend my free time coming up with bands that didn’t exist so I could talk about them to sound cool. That’s really messed up.”

“It sucks to hang out with him,” said Austin, “like, it’s impossible for him to have dinner with the rest of us now that he eats meat again.”

“Yeah, they all rip on me and say I’m ‘mainstream’ now,” said Trenton, “so that’s one hard thing about the change—no longer being a part of the dominant trend.”

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