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Ozarkers Burn Cashew Chicken in Protest

Tons of Cashew Chicken will be torched on the square in protest

Springfield, MO—Local Ozarkers are turning up the heat to pressure Rev. Terry Jones, the head of a small Florida church, who plans to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11th. Several southwest Missourians plan to protest Jones’ radical plan by incinerating something close to their hearts: Springfield-style cashew chicken.

“I think if you sacrifice something that you really love, people will take notice. It will make a statement,” said one diner at Mister Yen’s. Several local chefs will pile 3.4 tons of cashew chicken into Springfield’s downtown square this Saturday. The ritualistic burning of the beloved cuisine will occur at noon.

“Rev. Jones must be stopped. Listen, he’s misguided, sure. But he’s from Florida. Not the sharpest state for education in the Union. That’s right FLORIDA, not Missouri. Got that Islam? We don’t need any trouble in the Show-Me State,” said Norman Triste, a participant who is donating 240lbs of chicken for the event. “This Jones guy seems as if he really loves himself, maybe he should make the ultimate sacrifice by taking a bath in kerosene, then sit on a bic lighter,” he continued.

When Gen. David Petraeus heard that there was going to be a mass charcoaling of cashew chicken he sent an e-mail to The Associated Press saying that “the images of the burning of cashew chicken would undoubtedly not be used by extremists in Afghanistan — or around the world — for any purposeful reason other than to display the Ozarks’ distaste of ‘Burn-A-Koran-Day’.” In fact, Petraeus offered the use of a Huey to drop the charcoaled cinder remains onto the roof of Dove World Outreach Center to prevent Jones’ extremely provocative act.

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  1. Brett S. says:

    Hate to be a stickler for a funny story, but how about donating 3.4 tons to the hungry. Rather than burning it?

  2. Brett S. says:

    Whoops, didn’t realize this was satire. In that case…could you “burn” me up some Sweet & Sour?

  3. FairCityNews.com says:

    One sweet n’ sour coming up!

  4. FairCityNews.com says:

    One sweet n’ sour coming up!