Holiday Traffic Destroys Holiday Spirit

Season's Greetings shared during Holiday Traffic

Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf hate by the knuckle-headed drivers clogging the thoroughfares.

Mick Roseycheeks sobbed, “I was ready to go out and buy my wife a nice gift, she’s done so much for me over the past year after I lost my job and gained 50 pounds. But, I couldn’t take the damn traffic, I…I went crazy, started cutting people off and riding their tails like the Lone Ranger on Silver. I finally cracked and had to get out. I got her a 6-pack of 5-hour energy at the convenience store on my way home.”

Numerous holiday drivers were seen passing illegally on shoulders, stealing parking spots and purposefully riding their brakes to annoy the drivers behind them. “Some nasty ass honkey right in front of me actually stopped at a yellow light after we had been waiting for 8 miutes. Who does that in this traffic!? Go! Go! Go!” said Roseycheeks.

The loss of the holiday spirit seems to have translated to shopping as well. At least 12 fistfights were reported at local businesses including Wal-Mart, Target, Toys-R-Us and Gordman’s among others. Motorists are encouraged to travel only if absolutely necessary during this holiday traffic season.

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