Local Stoners Disappointed by Lack of Munchies

Dude, man, duuude where are the munchies?

Springfield, MO—City Councilmen Doug Burlison, and Dan Chiles spoke to a packed crowd at their forum on medical marijuana at the Library Center last evening. The crowd was an odd mix of the immensely old and the college hippies marking the first union of these age groups since the 1985 Congressional hearings on music censorship that caused John Denver fans to confront fans of Twisted Sister.

The forum nearly erupted into a riot as the local stoners became agitated with the lack of snacks. One elderly gentleman commented, “I knew they was gonna be trouble when they walked in. Faces and hands stained orange and stinking of a cheese-based snack, they had a hungry look in their eyes.”

Burlison struggled with his opening statements as he tried shouting over Phish music that was playing at the back of the room. The evening was further disrupted by mathematical jokes as questions concerning tax increases were met with a shout of “420” and a few elderly individuals injured themselves after slipping on a few rogue hacky sacks.

Fortunately, most of the stoners fell asleep during abysmally boring film, “What if Cannabis Cured Cancer?” and the riot was averted with little effort. Once they awoke, the forum was over and library security escorted them to the Village Inn just down the street.

The community is still trying to make sense of the forum with some stating that it was a colossal waste of a Tuesday night and others stating that it was a beneficial waste of a Tuesday night. Local English Professor Ken Gillam succinctly stated the reasons for the forum, “They just want to smoke dope. They can talk about the medical benefits and how much money it would generate if the state taxed it, but they really just want to smoke dope.”

Seemingly defeated, Burlison stated, “It was my goal to show that marijuana wasn’t just a funny Cheech and Chong thing, but I’ve been proved today that basically that’s all it is.”

In a semi-related story, the month’s average of auto-collisions rose last evening as a number of senior citizens with glaucoma were on the roads late at night.

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  1. Dave says:

    Originally they were also going to have a session on the athletic uses of marijuana featuring the University of Iowa football team, but their parole officers wouldn’t let them travel this far.