Archive for 2010
Riverside Bridge To Be Stored At Heer’s Building Temporarily
Ozark, MO – In light of the recent troubles that have befallen the beloved and beleaguered Riverside Bridge of Christian County, local politicians have devised a seemingly foolproof solution: they intend to store the bridge in the Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield until all of the legal issues can be hammered out. “Really, if you [...]
December Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys. Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt
Hammons’ Statue Tells Fortunes for Quarter
Springfield, MO—To dispense the considerable business knowledge acquired by local hotelier, John Q. Hammons, his likeness has been converted into a fortune telling machine. Those who seek business knowledge can be transformed from business novice to savvy professional one quarter at a time. “Let’s be honest, John hasn’t felt very good recently. We were looking [...]
Salvation Army Revokes “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Bell Ringer Policy
Springfield, MO—Officials at the local Salvation Army post have revoked their bell ringer’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, opening the door to welcome more volunteers into the organization to help with fundraising this holiday season. Professor Kitty Ujumba said, “before now the Salvos couldn’t ask specific questions about a potential bell ringers abilities. The original [...]
Basketball Star To Play At Middle School
Springfield MO.- Charlie Quirk, a Glendale High School senior, who was recently declared ineligible to play in this final year by the Missouri State High School Activities Association will play instead for Carver Middle School. Apparently a loophole in MSHSAA guidelines does not prevent a player transferring back to middle school if high school credits are [...]
Springfield Initiates Goth Relocation Program
Springfield, MO – Under the guise of center city beautification, the city of Springfield quietly began the first phase of it’s long term plan to eradicate downtown undesirables. The square has been fenced off and bulldozers have started to rip up sidewalks, steps and benches once perched upon by the city’s indigenous Goth and Vampire [...]
Renovation Approved: Heer’s Boarded Up
Springfield, MO—After years of negotiating, the Heer’s department store building will finally receive the renovation it has been waiting for: a good boarding up. The new plans to board up the building will be the first improvement the property has seen since 1994. “The Heer’s building has been deteriorating for years. This boarding up is [...]
Fail Sign December
Submit your caption in the comments section below and be entered to win a prize. FailSign features signs that have missing neon, graphics or other elements and gives you the chance to write your own caption for the newly created sign. If you win, you’ll be contacted. If you see a sign and want to [...]
Vacant Lot Home to Developing Vacant Lot
Springfield, MO—A prime piece of land that has been vacant for years in downtown Springfield will soon be developed, city officials announced on Tuesday. The 1.7 acre lot between the Springfield Expo Center and the Jordan Valley Car Park has seen plan after plan fall through, but starting next month construction will begin on The [...]
Holiday Traffic Destroys Holiday Spirit
Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf [...]
Turkey Trot Course Hampers Sausage & Gravy Run
Springfield, MO—Kent Louizer, a local breakfast connoisseur, is making plans to visit his favorite breakfast shop Thanksgiving morning based on the Turkey Trot road closures. “The dang ol’ race isn’t going to keep me from getting my sausage and gravy,” stated Louizer. According to Louizer, each year at Thanksgiving he has to make a special [...]
Merle’s introduces the “Thanksgiving Dinner Dog”
Springfield MO – In the spirit of the holiday season, Merle’s Hot Dog Emporium has introduced an all-new hot dog that combines all of your holiday favorites. The Thanksgiving Dinner Dog is a turkey hot dog served on two dinner rolls and topped with stuffing, cranberry sauce, and gravy. Local Foodie Charles Nelson Romanowski declared, [...]
TSA Implements Hokey Pokey At SGF Airport
Springfield, MO— The head of the Transportation Security Administration said Sunday that he would try to make airport screening “as minimally invasive as possible,” and introduced a new screening procedure that includes dancing the “Hokey Pokey” which will replace aggressive pat-downs that have rankled passengers and lawmakers. As the busy travel season approaches, TSA agents [...]
Southwest 3 On Its Way
Springfield MO – City officials announced today that the new City Utilities Southwest 2 power plant is such a big hit with the public, that plans for a new Southwest 3 power plant will soon be on its way. “After Southwest 2 was completed, I met with construction and union people and we all agreed [...]
New Crimes Invented at SGF Crime Lab
Springfield, MO—The Missouri State Highway Patrol Crime Lab has recently revealed that it has been working on secret new crimes that could be committed in our lifetime. Some of the rumored new crimes include time traveling into the past and making contact with relatives irrevocable changing the future, gaining access to a parallel universe and [...]
