Archive for 2010
YMCA Discourages “Butthole-Stamping” in Locker Room
Springfield, MO—Located on the South side of town, the Pat Jones Family YMCA has instituted a 10-minute maximum of naked time in the men’s locker room to improve hygiene, reduce awkward naked conversations, prevent unsightly surprise sightings of ancient arse complemented with a side of gray-haired wrinkle sacks and limit butthole-stamping on locker room equipment. [...]
Ozarks Hunter Sees Five-Headed Buck
Springfield, MO—Local hunter Hal Nimmers said he saw a giant buck over the weekend but chose not to harvest the deer because he wanted to see “how big it’d be next year.” “I was in my tree stand when a giant five-headed deer came stomping through the brush, each head had at least 14 points. [...]
Candidates Continue Running Negative Ads for Spite
Springfield, MO- Although the election ended weeks ago, candidates are still running negative ads for seemingly nothing more than mean-spirited malice. The ads are not only attacking the person’s politics, but personal issues and fabrications. The ads can be seen ad naseum at various time slots and stations. One Carnahan ad states: “Roy Blunt is [...]
Bass Pro Opens Bass Amateur
Springfield, MO – According to sources, Bass Pro shops has opened a pilot store in town targeting those who are not quite comfortable with their outdoor skills. Bass Amateur, or BassAm, is located on N. Campbell Avenue, next to the existing store. “BassAm is comfortable to me because I don’t have to pretend I know [...]
Ready For Change: Vending Machine Degrees
Springfield, MO – To help President Obama increase the number of college-educated Americans, Bryan College will offer associate degrees via vending machine in the Spring 2011 semester. This is a bold but inevitable change, according to Bryan College administrator Haf Hiddin, who has reworked the BC education system to be less teacher-driven and more student-friendly. [...]
CU “Colon Blow” Continues at SW 2 Power Plant
Springfield, MO—Attempts to clean out boiler pipes of any debris at the new Southwest 2 Power Plant have local residents snickering every time a steady hiss of steam erupts from the plant. “I guess the natural gas they are using in the boiler needs a way out, too bad it is so loud, like a [...]
Jerry Jones Purchases Springfield Wolfpack
Springfield, MO – Hours after dismissing Wade Phillips as the Dallas Cowboys head coach, team owner Jerry Jones purchased the Springfield Wolfpack to replace his football team’s roster with players willing to show up and play in each game. Said Jones, “An in-season coaching change is not something I’ve done before, nor is a mid-season [...]
Long’s Pedicurist Leaks Reelection Slogan
Springfield, MO—In the wake of the November 2 election, Billy Long’s camp has wasted no time in putting together a plan for his reelection campaign. According to a woman who identifies herself as Long’s pedicurist, Long will abandon his extremely popular “Fed Up?” slogan in 2012. The pedicurist, who would like to remain nameless, claims [...]
McDonald’s Customers Jailed Thanks to Monopoly Game
Springfield, MO – Phillip and Mandy Saunders of Springfield were jailed after getting a “Go Straight to Jail” game piece while playing McDonald’s Monopoly game on Tuesday. The couple was escorted to the Greene County Jail by two pointing, uniformed officers with whistles. The couple has the options of paying 50 dollars or rolling doubles. [...]
Missouri Farmers Start Elderberry Craze with “What the Hell is An Elderberry Festival”
Springfield, MO – Trying to start new enthusiasm for elderberries, local farmers are headlining a new festival to celebrate the Missouri fruit. The “What the Hell is An Elderberry Festival” will show Missourians all the great uses of elderberries as well as what the hell they are. The many booths will be entitled “Elderberry Wine,” [...]
Meth Addict Wins Costume Contest
Springfield, MO — Springfield’s first annual city-wide Halloween costume contest was held Halloween evening at Party City on Campbell. Hundreds of Springfield residents came to attend in hopes of winning the grand prize of $500 cash. The catch was that to be eligible to win the costume contest, one’s costume needed to be Missouri-themed—or even [...]
Blunt Campaigns In Arizona
Springfield MO and Phoenix AZ-Senate hopeful Roy Blunt from Springfield Missouri is now running campaign ads showing how he is helping the people of Arizona, California, and Texas by leading the fight against illegal immigration. Tony Trueblood, Blunt’s senior political adviser, says that there is no motivation other than political emotion for Roy Blunt to [...]
Long and Eckersley to Rock’em Sock’em
Springfield, MO – With tensions elevating as the Nov. 2 election nears, Congressional candidate, Billy Long, has thrown down the gauntlet by challenging Scott Eckersley to a winner-take-all, three-round bout of Rock’em Sock’em Robots. “My wife found my old Rock’em Sock’ems while she was cleaning out the attic last week. With all this mudslinging going [...]
Halloween…
I love this time of year…the cool, crisp fall air, the turning of the leaves and, yes, the lone fall holiday…Halloween. Things have changed a bit over the years. This holiday used to be about hanging out with friends and eating candy. These days, it appears that the blood and guts has turned to whores [...]
City Residents To Get Porta-Potties
Springfield MO—In an effort to help the city of Springfield make money when people use the toilet, Porta-Potties will soon be in everyone’s front yards. “The city loses money every time someone flushes the toilet,” commented City Manager Greg Burris. “We did not want to dump on another tax increase to people even though we [...]
