Hammons Held at Top of Hammons’ Tower?

Hotelier might be locked up at top of Hammons' Tower

Springfield, MO—The disappearance of local businessman John Q Hammons has prompted Springfield to search him out.  One Missouri State University source stated, “We need something else to name after him, but with that comes money.  He’s got it, we don’t.  We need to find him to get a check signed ASAP”.  MSU has reportedly instructed its Campus Safety patrols to look for JQH whenever they get a free moment.

Hiland Dairy is working on a limited edition retro milk carton featuring Mr. Hammons’ image complete with a toll-free number for tips.  Chug Mildrink, Hiland spokesman said, “Retro is hot right now, and we are just as concerned about Mr. Hammons welfare, so bringing back the milk cartons with his picture on them seems like a mighty fine idea.  Look for them soon in a store near you.”

Channel 49, KRBK-HD stated, “We’re in the same boat, we’re here but no one can find us.  We know you have to have cable or satellite to find us, but we understand how important he is to our community, so we’re instituting a JQ Alert and putting his picture in place of our logo until he is found.  The KRBK news team is also working on a documentary about his disappearance which should be ready sometime in May.”

Local resident Lyle Kharty thought Hammons location could be easily identified, “Shouldn’t we just ask Dick Cheney?  He was good at hiding in an undisclosed location, so he should be able to tell us where to find JQH. Or Mickey Rooney?”

Unsuccessful tips have led to the Heer’s basement, Park Central Square’s construction site, the mall formerly known as the North Town Mall, Hy-Vee, and an undisclosed part of Hammons Field.  Searchers said, “We just don’t know how where he’s is. We’ve searched all over town, and we have no clue where he could be. We really thought we had found him at Heer’s, but all we found was his old charge card that expired in 1993.”

Anyone with information about Hammons disappearance is encouraged to call Crime Stoppers, FCN, or KRBK.

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