Archive for March, 2011
Snake Oil March
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March Horoscopes
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Bears Snubbed from NCAA, NIT and 2012 MVC Tourney
Springfield, MO—Fans of Missouri State University basketball were dealt a crushing blow yesterday with the early announcement that their men’s team would not be extended an invitation to the NCAA, the NIT, nor next year’s Missouri Valley Conference Tournament. “We’re hoping to crush any existing hope in southwest Missouri right now,” said NCAA administering […]
Half-Man, Half-Segway Patrols Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO- The Battlefield Mall has a new unsung protector to keep the shopping center free from crime. Officer Max Thurgood, otherwise known as Sego-Cop, can be seen wheeling in justice at a relaxed-to-somewhat-moderate pace. The two-wheeled avenger has stopped numerous crimes such as loitering, littering, and looking like you are up-to-no-good. ‘It started when […]
Soldiers Help Clean Dirty Senior Citizens
Springfield, MO—Soldiers from Fort Leonard Wood helped clean up several yards of dirty senior citizens in the Ozarks this past weekend. The unclean senior citizens were lined up in section several feet long for the ritualistic cleansing held at the Battlefield Mall parking lot. Some involved weren’t aware of the coming shower, rinse and louse […]
Squirrel Poachers Plague Nature Center
Springfield, MO- The elusive and endangered gray squirrel is on the brink of extinction thanks to a myriad of squirrel poachers illegally killing the peaceful creatures. The Springfield Nature Center is one of the only sanctuaries for these gentle giants, but even the Center cannot hold against the ruthless killers. “I don’t think the poachers […]
Local Kids Found “Sheening” in Parking Lot
Nixa, MO—A new synthetic drug is on the market made of tiger’s blood and Adonis’ DNA and when used is referred to as “Sheening”. The new stimulant is rising in popularity and is threatening to unseat the Ozarks as the capital of methamphetamine production. The drug has becoming so popular that kids across the Ozarks […]
Earthquake Evidence Reveals Fable As Fact
Guy, AR – Last nights late evening earthquake rattled may Ozark residents. The USGS reported this was on the magnitude of a 4.7 earthquake. Reports of how far north into Missouri that shock could be felt are sketchy as many Ozarkers may be making up false reports because they don’t want to be left out […]
Mayo-44 Named for Miracle Whiplash Crash
Springfield, MO—Following the great mayonnaise truck wreck on I-44, city officials have decreed that the stretch of road coated in the thick, creamy substance be renamed Mayo-44 to honor the one-in-a-million miracle whiplash crash. “Not only did the driver walk away unharmed but the entire interstate was covered in God’s snot, mayonnaise,” said Missouri Highway […]
