Springfield, MO- To save time, money and hope, all college and high school graduations will end with the graduates walking directly into the unemployment line. With the recession still looming over many industries, Missouri colleges and high schools thought it best to “cut out the middle man” and send the graduates directly to government assistance.
“Who are we kidding?” states a government employee. “These kids have no chance. My father got laid off last month and he worked there for 15 years. What is a philosophy major with a minor in modern tap going to do? Die. Die on the street, that’s what.”
After the graduates get their checks, they will be sent to a bread line for their meager rations, then a bon fire where they will use their diplomas as kilning for warmth. A resume workshop will also be available.
“Why wasn’t I born in the 90’s. That sweet spot before one recession and after another. Now here I am shacked up in my parent’s basement living on pizza rolls and playing ‘World of Warcraft’…which I have be doing since high school. And actually it’s not that bad,” states Ronne Hawkins, a recent graduate.
Not all students feel their future will be bleak. Students in the fields of nursing, insurance, gold digging, and literally digging for gold seem to be doing quite well.
“I just decided to go out west and strike it rich. I know my odds of finding gold are slim, but way better than finding a job. And I rather stay in this tree in the middle of the woods living off honey and badger meat than begging on the streets, or working at Waffle House,” states graduate David Walden as he burrows in for the night.
Many experts state jobs numbers will improve once we are invaded by China and becoming a “morlock-like” working caste.
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