FCN Investigates: John’s Mr. Zippy’s Express Wash

The Fair City News Investigative Unit was first contacted by PETA when, by all appearances, a penguin was being forced to wash cars at the corner of Sunshine and Kansas Expressway.  While the penguin was not immediately visible to patrons and “Mr. Zippy” appeared to only be a cute mascot, PETA was concerned that the penguin was being forced to work behind the scenes filling soap bottles and replacing miles of microfiber-which can really dry out a penguin’s skin.

FCN Investigates uncovered a very different story. John’s Mr. Zippy’s Express Wash is, in fact, run by the International Penguin Syndicate headquartered in Madagascar. This shadow organization is the same group responsible for penguin propaganda like March of the Penguins and Happy Feet and is “employing” people all over the county to offer legitimacy to their enterprises like snow cone stands, hipster polo shirts and book publishing. These car washes are considered part of their second tier operations to work themselves into every community.

This investigation spans several states.

“For decades we couldn’t get a fair shake anywhere” says our source who asked to be called Joe Tuxedo.  “How is a penguin supposed to get a business license, pass a safety inspection, coach a hockey team? Sure we can charm the pants off people, but in a business situation we needed a face that people would recognize, like on a person. So we took advice from the mermaids that run Starbucks and got some, people that is.”

“Humans can’t even find a job these days, so our ensla…uh, employment of them is a win win situation. All we did was reverse the order of the names on the sign, add in a lot of apostrophes and bingo we are in business,” Tuxedo said with a snap of the fin.

Repeated attempts to contact “John” of Mr. Zippy’s only resulted in messages being left on a series of answering machines and one garbled hang up on this reporter’s voicemail.

Patrons like Liz Field say they are mostly interested in the results. “Whoever is doing the washing here, my 20s really gleam now. That’s just good business”

Hopping down off his block of ice in the rear room of Vance Refrigeration, Tuxedo said, “That’s where this story ends, if you know what’s good for you” and left pressing coupons for five free car washes into my hand. “That’ll get you back to Springfield.”

Mr. Zippy’s Manta Profile

John’s Mr. Zippy’s Express Wash in Springfield, MO is a private company categorized under Car Washing and Polishing. Current estimates show this company has annual revenue of 58,000 and employs a staff of approximately 2.

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Filed Under: Opinion


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  1. EC says:

    Vance Refrigeration…nice touch!

  2. Veronica says:

    Knew it looked suspicious!