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Car Sale Increases Drive-By Shootings

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Pick a car, pick a pistol (pack some heat in your seat)!

Rogersville, MO – First Auto Outlet recently started a controversial promotion: buy a car, get a gun. Owner Duwayne Nortis insists that his auto dealership be as patriotic as possible, and that means “celebrating” the Second Amendment. “Nothing is more American than getting free stuff and then maybe using that stuff to do great harm to something, if you feel like it,” said Nortis.

The dealership has tried other “Amendment Sales” before, but this has by far been the most successful. “Our Third Amendment Sale involved a promise to keep the British out of Rogersville homes,” said Nortis. “No one really bought it.”

The sale works by giving customers a $250 voucher for a gun at a local pawnshop. However, there are a few other options. One may trade his voucher for a gas card but according to Nortis, “It just makes more sense to me to get a free .12 gauge. Am I right?” If one is unable to go to the pawnshop, or is just too lazy, or can’t wait to pass a background check, First Auto Outlet has “a big pile of guns in the back” which they can “just give out.” And if guns or gas aren’t your style, Nortis says you can get a “pretty nifty” Samurai sword if you buy a Japanese-made car.

“I really didn’t need a new car,” said customer Perry Smith, “but I really wanted a new gun, so it just seemed right to buy me a new truck.”

Not everyone in town approves of the sale, and some say that it has increased the amount of “drive-by shootings” in the area.

“Yes, it is true we have had several [drive-by shootings] in the last week,” said Nortis, “I heard the number of drive-by’s have increased by around 100 percent or so, but I doubt it’s related to our promotion.” Nortis added: “AMERICA!”

“The kind of people who blame this great deal on the drive-by shootings are a part of the Liberal Agenda, and they’ll babble about anything,” commented Smith. “Just like they did with global warming or Blue Tooth.”

Nortis says this sale has been so successful that he’s going to have the dealership’s next “Amendment Sale” very soon. He said he is considering basing the promotion on the Twenty-first Amendment, which abolished the prohibition of alcohol (the Eighteenth Amendment). With this sale, those who buy a car will be given either a 24-pack of beer or a “large bottle of Jack” for the road.

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