Republic Schools Ban “Ungodly” Phone Books


Republic shreds evil phonebook with pure hands

Republic, MO – By a decisive vote of 4-0 the Republic school board decided to ban all phone books from their schools due to the “offensive and ungodly” contents found within. The decision came as a complete shock to all sane people but seemed perfectly acceptable to those who supported the board’s recent decision to remove Slaughterhouse Five and Twenty Boy Summer from the school’s libraries.

When asked why the phone book came under scrutiny and how the board reached its unanimous decision, one board member, who chose to remain unnamed for this article, claimed that “vulgar names and references are sprinkled throughout it.” When asked to specify, the source mentioned the many appearances of “Dick.”

“There’s a Dick Short, which reads as Short Dick. There’s Dick Handler, Dick Weed, and even a Dick Whacker. And after what Seinfeld did to Delores…well that has to be monitored too. It’s awful. Just awful,” said the source. When asked about the claims of “ungodliness,” the source mentioned dozens of names that were “clearly names of Muslami [sic] terrorists.”

“I can’t even tell you how many Muhammads, Kareems, and Ahmeds I found in that book. And we can’t have kids reading that. I mean, what if they started thinking there were other religions than Christianity?” After being reminded that there are in fact other religions, the source merely chuckled.

Another factor that led to the phone book’s removal was the recent discovery of by some members of the board. Apparently, after looking up several words and terms on the site the board members became convinced that the phone book was nothing more than a laundry list of “filthy and depraved sexual references,” said the source. “I always thought gas station just meant a place to get gas. I didn’t know that it was code for…well…I can’t even say.”

The minutes from the school board meeting are not yet available, so it is unclear what each member had to say on the matter. However, according to the source, only one of the four had ever opened the phone book.


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  1. Les Scroggins says:

    Another victory for the Army of Christ!

  2. Dave says:

    The Society of Kurt Vonnegut Fans says, the book had a great run, but it’s over now. It’s time to move on. An enjoyable read for people old enough to understand the concepts of burnout and shell shock, it was written so long ago they hadn’t invented the term “posttraumatic stress disorder” yet. Hollywood made a relatively successful movie, but nobody could follow the plot. The movie is too old for the classic movie cable channels. Today it is remembered mostly by a few film buffs for the scenes with Valerie Perrine. The book is currently banned in book stores everywhere. It’s not on the shelves and you can’t even find it on remainder tables in any store in America.