Archive for August, 2011
Springfield Doctors Embrace Fox News Study
Springfield, MO – Patients gathered in waiting rooms across Springfield may be surprised to find out they’re participating in an on-going experiment to measure the short-term effects of watching Fox News Channel. The study requires patients to sit in a waiting room for at least 20 minutes while being exposed to Fox News. When the […]
Banned Book Becomes Top-Seller in Republic
REPUBLIC (MO) – Two books, “Slaughterhouse Five” by Kurt Vonnegut and “Twenty Boy Summer” by Sarah Ockler, have been banned from Republic High School’s curriculum and library. This decision was inspired by complaints from Missouri State University associate professor of management, Les Scoggins, who claims that the books contain material too shocking for […]
Local Bar Adds Kids Area
Springfield MO.- The Boom Boom Room, a bar on North Glenstone Street, announced today it will add a play area for kids to enjoy while their adult guardians sit in the bar and get hammered. The play area will be a 1987 Ford Bronco that won’t start but will feature coloring books to give children […]
Stock Collapse Predicted by Mayan Calendar
Springfield, MO—The Maya calendar, a system of calendars and almanacs used in the Maya civilization of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, and in some modern Maya communities in highland Guatemala and Oaxaca, Mexico correctly predicted the bloody nosedive of stocks on the US market yesterday. According to researchers, “the evidence was there the whole time we just […]
Empire Fair Salutes Missouri Animals Through Petting Zoo
Springfield MO- The Ozark Empire Fair is no stranger to petting zoo’s, but this year has a very specific theme: local Ozark’s fauna. From the cicada to the mosquito, numerous animals are put on display for children of all ages. The children are asked not only to view the animals, but to interact with them […]
Couple Reaches Personal Debt Ceiling Agreement
Springfield, MO—Jerry and Trisha Thumbolt reached an historic agreement this week on a compromise to raise their new personal debt ceiling limit in exchange for more than $200,000 in long-term spending cuts. Mr. Thumbolt emphatically passed the emergency legislation Tuesday to avoid a first-ever Thumbolt family default, rushing the legislation to Mrs. Thumbolt for […]
Jackpot Lottery Ticket Sold at Kum N’ Go?!
Springfield, MO—“You’ve got to be frickin’ kidding me, like the one day that I didn’t buy a ticket from that store and it sells a winner,” said most of Springfield today. According to sources, one lucky bastard in Springfield is $1.2 million richer after matching all six numbers drawn to win the jackpot prize […]
MSU’s SOAR Tour a Grim Death March Due To Heat
Springfield, MO- Due to the incredible heat, MSU’s SOAR tours are transformed into grim death marches. The tours (to show upcoming freshmen where various campus buildings are located) are usually a pleasurable experience to the anxious pre-fresh, but now are seen as a hellish decent into the bowels of an inferno. “I am so excited […]
