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Dillons Nervous About Neighboring Hy-Vee’s Customer Service, Specialty Foods and Giant Rooftop Artillery Cannon

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Explosive savings at Hy-Vee

Springfield, MO- With the Hy-Vee grocery store opening across the street, Dillons Super Store is nervous about the competition and being blown out of existence by a giant rooftop mounted artillery cannon. Hy-Vee is an upscale grocery store lauded for their customer service and unique specialty foods. Also they have a cannon on their roof.


“Oh, that old thing,” says Michael Summers. “I don’t even know why we have that thing. And I have no idea why it is aimed directly at the Dillons Super Store. But, accidents do happen. Huge, exploding accidents.”

Dillons was unavailable for comment because they were scrambling to make improvements to their own store.

“Come on you maggots,” yelled General Max Randle, a newly appointed employee. “We need those trenches dug ASAP. Peters! Chambers! We need those machine guns set up yesterday. And where is my barbed wire and mustard gas?”

Customers are excited to see what the competitive nature of the stores will bring in savings. Hy-Vee offers double coupon days and a 10-dollar gift card for anyone who delivers the head of a Dillons night manager. Dillons claims they will now not only use their famed Dillons cards for great savings, but also as a cyanide container in case of capture.

“Listen, people are going to shop at Hy-Vee because of the great good, great service, and an artillery shell free parking lot. That is what Hy-vee offers, and Dillons can’t make those promises,” said Summers.

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  1. Dave says:

    If you’re just a “grocery store” and you have to compete with a “super store”, you have to use all the tools of a competitive industry, including talking the city into adding one more gasoline burning stop light. Sharp elbows alone will not suffice. I’m guessing that Dillons probably won’t allow any kind of a 1950s style missile gap. Watch for triple coupons Wednesdays from 6 am to 7 am. And what kind of overpriced coffee bar in a corner will Hy-Vees offer?

  2. Gary C says:

    Funny article, but where’s the editing? Being blown AT of existence when it should be being blown OUT of existence? A few commas missing in places. Michael not Micheal. A cyanide containers… you have to decide between singular or plural. Grammar skills are kind of important in news… including satirical!

  3. says:

    Thanks Gary C nice catch. I’ve whipped the editing monkey we keep lashed to a giant barrel of peanuts in the corner near the bunk beds. That monkey really is a pest when he doesn’t take his job seriously. Bad monkey! You Gary C are a good reader…good reader! We’ll mind our p’s and q’s in the future.