“Poison Hy-Vee” Spreads Through the Ozarks

Locals are itching to get inside of Hy-Vee

Springfield, MO – Thousands of Ozarkians have been infected with a disease commonly known as “Poison Hy-Vee”, a mild form of curiosity preceded by high amounts of anticipation and feverishly high expectations.
“Oh, man, I can’t wait to go to the new Hy-Vee store on Battlefield Street,” said Norma Jillonsap as she scratched her forearms while shaking her hands and leg, “I just can’t wait! I heard they have an awesome pizza and even an area where you smell aromas that instantly cease any hunger pangs.”

Hundreds of people crowded the sidewalk hours before the new Hy-Vee store opened its doors, eagerly waiting to cure their case of curiosity. “I’ve had Poison Hy-Vee since they broke ground. I used to go to Hy-Vee up north and I’ve missed the chain that I grew up with,” said Matt Lippard who upon entering the store stared at the aisles in fond remembrance, gently griping his grocery cart handle as drool ran down his chin.

Doctors recommend visiting the store if you exhibit any symptoms of “Poison Hy-Vee” to sooth and treat the discomfort. “Poison Hy-Vee or dermatitis – hy-veeticus is a commonly spread inflammation resulting from direct or indirect contact with others who are infected with anticipation. The rash usually will appear 24-48 hours after hearing the wonderful grocery stories. The only known cure is to actually visit the store, and allow its healing powers wash away the irritation,” said Doctor Yuli Mangrove.

“I got covered with it and had to go to Hy-Vee to scratch the itch! Now I’m cured, but I have the scars of a wonderful shopping experience to carry with me all of my life,” said Lippard.

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