In the Ozarks, Bank Of America Losing Ground To Bank of China

Terracotta ATMs appear across the Ozarks as BoC takes hold

Springfield, MO- Due to multiple factors; the five-dollar debit card charge, a distrust of “bailed out” banks, and “Occupy Wall Street mania” many Ozarkians are switching from Bank of America to the newly created Bank of China.

The new bank will offer free little red check books, a Great Wall mounted clock, and a poster of Chairman Mao for those who open new accounts now through the Chinese New Year.

“Let’s get something straight,” says Teddy McGraw. “I am all-American. But, if I can go to a bank that is backed by the iron-fisted Chinese government and guarded by hundreds of Terracotta soldiers, I am in. Also, I get 77 Yuan for 1 US Dollar.”

Other advantages bank members will enjoy include: one free baby panda with deposit of $2,000 or more, one free Chinese baby girl when applying for a home loan, and a bowl of rice at the drive through (instead of lollipops).

“Hey, we are not worried. Our customers are loyal no matter what. They will gladly pay our five-dollar debit card fee, our hefty overdraft fees, and they will give the mandatory 8 pints of blood “donation” policy. And if they cross us, we will bury their children,” screamed a BOA representative as he pounded his shoe on his desk.

Although Bank of America is confident in its customer, momentum seems to be shifting toward Bank of China who is fiercely competing with numerous banks in the area.

“The samurai attacks on Empire Bank ATMs could have been anyone,” said a firm-voiced spokesman from Bank of China, “And we had nothing to do with gun-powder-filled boxes delivered to Commerce Bank.”

Bank of China also plans to build a great wall separating all other banks from their customers.

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