Goths Reintroduced to Downtown Square


Goth population to return to downtown Springfield

Springfield, MO – The Missouri Department of Conservation has successfully baited and trapped 49 goths for reintroduction to their natural habitat on the downtown square. The goth population was temporarily removed while their homeland was undergoing improvements.

According to reports, the department will test the goths for a series of diseases before the can be reintroduced to the square, where they were once native. John Blasiton of the Resources Department said, “It’s very cool to think that we’re bringing a population back to where they belong.  It is…rewarding to help nature take its course.”

The Department used black clothing and death metal music to lead the goths into a 200-foot entrapment, where they were then directed to holding pens. After a mandatory 90 days of testing for diseases such as brucellosis, pneumonia and chronic depression, the goths will be loaded into livestock trailers and driven nonstop to the square.

The plan according to Blasiton, is to have more than 300 goths on the square in three years. The plan calls for the goth to be released where they will be free to roam the 2-square-mile downtown area at will. The goth restoration plan won the approval of several parents who really didn’t want to deal with their kids anymore, but met stiff opposition from the Anti-Goth Bureau who cited concerns that goths might cause car accidents, damage property and spread disease.

“It’s an amazing thing for our city to restore a once native populace. Once folks get to see a dark brooding shape hanging out striking fear into hearts, well it’s an amazing thing to behold,” said Blasiton.

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  1. Kalt says:

    I’m sure the strangers at the bar thought I was insane when I started laughing hysterically at this article. Thank you for this!

  2. Dave says:

    The public will be able to watch Goth activities live on the city’s cable access channel after the spy cameras on the square are fully functioning, with occasional pauses to watch a mind numbing slide show of traffic at selected intersectons around town.