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Councilman Road Warrior to Patrol City Streets

Road Warrior car will be outfitted with extra speed and a beer holder

Springfield, MO – City voters have bestowed a unique honor upon a brave councilman after he displayed dogged-determination and excellent decision making skills to pursue and confront a poor driver; the new position–a division of the street enforcement team – will be known as City Councilman Road Warrior.

“He’s pretty good at finding less than perfect drivers. We’re going to employ him to not only track down those who break minor traffic infractions but to also apply vigilante-style justice upon all offenders. He may choose to give them a warning but he has the authority to drag them down the street if he deems that is an appropriate consequence,” said Newt Nikerson of the street enforcement team.

According to reports, poor driving is a common occurrence in the Ozarks. Cleaning up city streets will be a task that should take a considerable amount of time to accomplish. “Man, I seen three people today going too fast, making lane changes without signaling and braking too abruptly. What we need is someone who can kick some butt and bring down serious road rage onto these idiots. I think we’ve found the right person in the City Councilman Road Warrior,” said concerned citizen Ima Passivisto.

The City Councilman Road Warrior will be immune from any and all prosecution as he administers individual judgments against those who choose not to obey simple traffic laws. “We have a problem in this city, and the last thing we want holding the City Councilman Road Warrior back is fear of consequences for his unorthodox and effective strategies. Also, he will be allowed to drink beer while on patrol; it is a stressful job that requires a little relief,” said an official statement.

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  2. Dave says:

    Will the Road Warrior be allowed to drink “Two X’s Beer” as long as it is legally imported into the United States?

  3. Dave says:

    That new Road Warrior car looks like it would prevent offended citizens from reaching into the car to make a citizens arrest. That would eliminate the need to drag them down the street.