Retailers Greeted with Holiday Spirit

Customers prepare insults as they wait in return lines

Springfield, MO – Thousands of holiday retail workers were greeted with jeers and cursing while customers attempted to return their unwanted gifts after the holiday season. “Suck on my non-receipt wielding happy buttocks you stubborn mule!” seemed to be the most tame of customers, Randy Umberly, to a Barnes & Noble employee after he was shorted $2.00 by returning a book without printed confirmation.

Dr. Wighman, a consumer behavioral specialist explained, “most people who return gifts are victimized by their families and friends. These ‘families & friends’ force unwanted or un-thoughtful presents onto their loved ones out of laziness and self-gratification. The recipient usually can’t express their frustration directly to the giver, so they unleash their frustrations upon the person most tangibly responsible for their happiness, usually that is the retail worker who can give them access to the product or good that they desire.”

Multiple expressions were over heard at the Battlefield Mall and included, “You’ve stuck your hand into my chest and tittie-twisted my aorta by not having any more of these robots in stock!”, “Unless you produce my size of jeans, I’m going to rub my feet on your cash register,” and “Keep checking with the manager and I’ll have to start pulling out my nails and flicking them on the 85 other people waiting behind me in line.”

Retail workers report this season as the most rewarding and satisfying experience in their work lives. “Man, nothing beats this time of the year, yesterday I was told that I have ‘elfin’ balls in my pants’ which was quite possibly the funniest insult I’ve ever heard,” claimed Paul Kissinger.

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