Animal Suspension Featured at SGF Arts and Tattoo Festival

Parrots and pugs enjoy "hook life"

Springfield, MO – Continuing today at the Ozarks Empire Fairgrounds, the Springfield Arts and Tattoo Festival will feature several spectacles including live animal suspension demonstrations, open to the public. Parrots, guinea pigs, and cute widdle puppies will be jabbed with sharp hooks and hung 5-12 feet into the air for pure spiritual enlightenment rarely enjoyed by uptight, rigid Homo sapiens.

Lewis Joliet, a master at suspension claimed, “the proper placement, number, and size of metal hooks which are pierced into the skin to lift an animal off the ground is a very delicate science. You see, a hawk can stand more resistance than say a chickadee. And a squirrel can hardly tolerate the pain that a Great Dane can withstand. Of course, all of these animals are God’s creatures and entitled to the same enlightenment that we all seek here on this Earth,” as he stabbed himself in the tongue and lifted  his body off the ground via hidden pulley.

Children are admitted free to the event and a special pet piercing booth will puncture any cat, dog or goldfish that provide appropriate health department and completed consent forms. “Mr. Giggles weally wiked the fun hook wide,” said 4 year old Emma Pearson after her Cockapeekapoo mutt was lifted into the air performing a crucifix suspension for a crowd of spectators.

Local Ozarkers have been preparing for the event for months by practicing human suspension in their backyards terrifying their neighbors and horrifying passersby. The animal suspension event is a first-of-its-kind here, and is expected to sell out soon. Sponsors suggest buying tickets early.

The human suspension event coincides with the National Antique Tractor Pull and RK Gun Show. One participant, Hank Uleriton, plans to be yanked down a target range by his nipples chained to an antique Alice Chalmers tractor while avoiding unfriendly fire.