Who is this "Newt"?
Springfield, MO - Twenty nine-year-old Springfieldian Nat Alther, who is a die-hard Newt Gingrich fan, said he believed the man who has been running for President and calls himself Newt Gingrich is actually Phil Donahue in a fat suit. Mr. Alther discovered this while pretending to be a busboy at a local Holiday Inn where Gingrich’s campaign staff was staying. He went there to have Newt autograph a homemade scrapbook Alther had made for him, but Gingrich was just there to talk to some folks on the Missouri staff and get some sleep before moving on to Topeka in the morning.
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Having been turned away by security on the floor where Gingrich was staying, Alther decided to take a chance on an old tv sitcom standby. “I decided I would dress up at a busboy like I saw on an old Laverne and Shirley, or wait, was it Saved By the Bell? Anyway, I went to work.” He says he already had on a white shirt and black khakis, and so he swiped an order of anchovies and cream cheese from a pregnant woman’s late night order, set it on a cart, and when he got to the room, he very quickly adopted a Spanish accent. “Mostly Kids in the Hall gibberish, but I counted to five over and over too.” When a Secret Service agent opened the door, what Alther saw gave him the shock of his life.
“I saw Phil Donahue wriggling out of a fat suit.” Alther went on to say that he knew Gingrich, er, Donahue WAS Donahue because of a bad cell phone connection. “He kept asking, ‘Is the caller there?” That pretty much clinched it for me.” After that, Alther said he only had one thing to ask him. “What have you done with Newt?” Donahue picked up a wireless handheld microphone, like the ones he used on his show, pulled down a handle which turned the microphone into a dart gun. He aimed it at Alther and fired, hitting Alther in the arm and immediately knocking him out.
He remembers waking up in a plate of McDonald’s french fries and sitting across from his best friend who was rambling on about a twenty year old episode of Donahue where they debated if Paul McCartney was in fact an imposter. This begs the question, did Alther dream up the whole thing? “Absolutely not,’ Alther stated. “Newt was never the same man after they booted him out of office. His positions went so left of center, you’d swear a socialist was saying those things. Both men have full white heads of hair, and to be honest, if I were Donahue, I’d want a comeback to tv anyway I could get it. Of course, I’d have to be high on Pez and Yoo Hoo before I do it, but yeah, I ‘d do it.”
