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Ozarkers In Heat Advisory – No Reproduction Efforts Allowed

Making out strongly discouraged during advisory

Springfield, MO – According to Health officials, Southwest Missouri is in an “in heat advisory” which means people shouldn’t engage in any sexual activity. Record heat and heat indexes have locals’ sweaty panties in a wad. Any activity geared towards reproduction is highly discouraged while this dry, hot weather is in effect.

“I was all excited to see my husband back from a business trip from Ohio today, but with since we are in heat advisory, I guess he should have extended his trip a couple of days,” said Fiona Gibbers. Heat experts confirm that any humping, bumping or grinding during these excessive conditions.

Activities such as dirty dancing, humping sexpeditions and excessive necking are strongly discouraged during the warning, which is expected to last through the weekend. “Kids are especially susceptible during the in heat advisory as they don’t know how to control their emotions or keep their hormones in check,” said Youth Director Kip Mullens.

Both Cox Health and Mercy hospitals have seen a rise in admissions due to the high levels of heat and attempted procreation. “My wife and I were admitted today, we tried to y’know ‘do it’ and we were exhausted and dehydrated before you could say French kissing. Fortunately, we made it to a cooling center where we were transported to a hospital,” said Ricky Vergus, who is being treated for making out in the heat.

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