Springfield, MO – Local citizens will soon be receiving a Groupon offer via email to own a portion of the historic Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield. Most suspect developer Kevin McGowan is attempting to sell the structure piece by piece but none seem to care. General excitement to own a piece of the building is spreading through town.
The upcoming Groupon offer will allow everyday citizens to purchase cubic yards of the building in multiple increments. “I am going to so buy the top floor and turn it into a beef processing plant!” said Nate Hermington, who happens to love double hamburgers and has no source of income. Others have more concrete plans: “I’m going to purchase a cubic yard and start growing organic kale with my Heer’s area,” said LeGong Caling as she drank organic carrot juice.
The city’s director of economic development has applauded the move forward and urges a responsible developer to purchase all offerings of the Groupon. Cindy Huffingberg said, “If one experienced, responsible developer claims all of the Groupon offerings, we can count on one person to completely develop the building instead of hoping that multiple people will land on a singular focus.”
“Screw that,” said Lars Vangadershat, “I’m gonna buy enough Heer’s to start a death-metal music studio on the ground floor. I don’t care if there is a hearing-sensitive newborn ward above me.” Suzie Flangaps said, “I plan on opening a hearing-sensitive newborn ward on the second floor.”
Developers and downtown boosters are eagerly awaiting the Groupon and are expecting the worst. “With multiple people owning a small portion of the Heer’s, I think we’re in for a genuine Lord of the Flies experience. I can’t wait to see who crushes Piggy,” said an official at The Missouri Housing Development Commission.
Should a single developer fail to claim all shares, NBC has expressed interest to film the first 8 months of the cultural Petri dish and broadcast it as yet another reality show entitled “Heer’s Place or Mine?”
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