Everywhere, MO- After Todd Akin’s expressed his belief that women can “shut that whole thing down” (her reproduction system after a legitimate rape), many teachers are stepping forward. The teachers feel that if they just worked a little harder, then Akin would have a better understanding how rudimentary things work, and that a penis is more than just a wigglie-worm in your pants.
“It is all my fault,” says Mrs. Apple. “I was his third grade teacher and when we talked about the differences between humans and machines, Todd was just staring out the window. He totally missed how a car engine can shut-off, but a body part – like a heart – can’t.”
Other teachers claim that Akin’s love of doodling robots fighting against aliens, prevented him from paying attention to important lectures such as where babies come from, how you can’t stop breathing or bleeding because your body wants to, and “mind over matter” is really not a recommended form of birth control.
Once in college, his professors felt much like his secondary school teachers. “We have this class entitled ‘If You Ever Run for Senate Don’t Say These Things’,” said Dr. Marvin Sinclair, “It was a very specific elective and we only had 5 students. We covered things you shouldn‘t say… topics like Puppy smashing is a morally gray area, Minorities don’t matter because they gorge themselves with baby blood, and Woman aren’t really humans, but more humanoid automatons created for dishwashing, baby birthing, and make-up wearing. Of course he was always skipping class and missed the unit of Sensitivity and rape: don‘t talk about it you idiot, you stupid idiot when he went to Palm Beach for Spring Break.”
Educators are not the only people who are blaming themselves for the gaffe. Akin’s childhood doctor claims the most damage. “Yes, it is true,” says Dr. Benson. “Little Toddy Akins came to me with a nasty cough and running nose. I told him I that if he had a lot of bed rest and liquid he will feel better. He asked if he could just think about getting better really hard. I was totally in my own little word thinking about dinner and said yeah, sure kid, okay.”
Akin was unavailable for comment because he’s constantly dodging rotten vegetables while cleaning his egg soaked house.
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