Springfield, MO- A new dangerous hair style has found its way to Springfield and administration has taken steps to combat the damage. Having bangs over one or both eyes (also know as Emo bangs) has caused numerous injuries including: falling down stairs, tripping over own laces, and running straight into lockers. “We are on this problem as soon as the emo fad hit Springfield,” says Janice Lookheed, a Springfield Public School administrator. “We are letting them have Stage 1 Bangs. But, when they move to Stage 4 or Class 7 bangs, then we are getting to the danger zone. The worse part is kids keep pushing the limits. Pretty soon we are going to have a bunch of Cousin Its running around.” A large 14% of SPS high school students are said to have either natural emo bangs, or buy hair extensions to drape over their face so they can look fashionable, apathetic, and be able to constantly roll their eyes at authority figures. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” states junior Grant Morgan. “I don’t need to see,. I am part of the most entitled generation ever so things and people can get out of my way. It is like I am in my own little hairy world and if I break my neck tripping down stairs, I know there was no way I could have stopped it, it is fate. YOLO. Administration tells FCN that even one eye blocked can be a problem.
“They are like pirates,” states SPS teacher Lori Riemen. “Stupid, hairy pirates. And you know their free eye is just constantly looking at their phone to text and they have ear buds in so they can‘t hear anything. It is their own sensory depravation chamber.” Administration is trying various tactics such as: mandatory gel that will hold bangs vertically for the school day, seeing eye freshmen, and forcibly cutting their hair with either scissors or paper cutters. “We need to nip this problem in the bud,” says Janice Lookheed. “If only this generation fell in love with mullet like my generation did. Business in front, party in the back is the way to go.” SPS tells parents to watch their children for early warning signs of emo hair such as: listening to depressing music, hanging out at darkly light clubs, and reading the Emo Manifesto( which is mostly just depressing doodles).
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