FairCityNews.com | Sep 21, 2012 | Comments 1
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Delicious pentagram encompasses town
Springfield, MO- With the prophesied fifth Andy’s location opening in the next several days many Springfieldians are worried about the ominous symbol that is created when you connect all the locations of the fame ice cream shops. By putting dots on the map of Springfield over Andy’s locations, a pentagram can be seen that encases all of Springfield in the evil icon.
“This is very unsettling,” said Cardinal Joseph Panter. “We also suspected Andy’s having some unscrupulous motives with their stores being a haven for the 7 deadly sins: gluttony of ice cream, envious of other people’s flavors, wrath when people butt in line, etc. But, now we know their motives are much more evil than we ever thought.”
Many priests are now investigating the various locations for other signs of evil. So far they have found they have exactly 666 types of concretes that can be made through various mixing of toppings; only hiring virgins, making them work late hours, and sacrificing them on the eve of the blood moon; using goat bile to flavor their “Brownie Blizzard Concrete” and finally having mysterious black-robbed figures chant into the night which causes everyone in the area to have an ice cream headache.
“We are going to do our best to stop this evil,” said Father Theodore Calhoon. “If we can somehow just douse one the locations with holy water then all this could be stopped. I pray it will not be too late.”
When asked what could happen once the pentagram is complete many priest just would shake their heads and mumble “the end of all good things”.
An unnamed source theorizes that once the final store is complete then an unspeakable evil will rise from the depths of hell. Of course the source is talking about the hideous bald imp on all the Andy’s signs. Even though the imp’s name is unpronounceable in English, a rough translations meaning “The Bald Destroyer” or “He Who Puts The World On A Cone Then Devours It.”
No Andy’s employees could be contacted about the events because they were all on a weekend retreat in a cabin in the dark, forbidding woods. There they will work on team building exercises such as trust-falls and ritual goat sacrificing.
Filed Under: Food