Springfield, MO – According to a recent CoxHealth report, the soaring
number of apartment fires in the SW Missouri region have caused panicking cigarette smokers to wrap their private parts in cloth made from the dangerous mineral compound “asbestos.”
Health officials warn that asbestos is a highly toxic substance once widely used in construction as a flame retardant, but is now being phased out for causing lung cancer, mesothelioma and other yucky things. Despite cautions against the significant dangers, some apartment smokers have embraced the substance, using it to keep their crotches safe while they continue carelessly dropping cigarette butts on highly flammable material.
“We’ve been keeping an eye out for people with a hand down their pants or, if they’re female, scratching uncontrollably at their chest. As you can imagine, our job has gotten a lot more uncomfortable than normal. Let’s just say I’d much rather throw myself into a burning building than check the bikini line on a leathery fat woman,” said volunteer firefighter, Sid Gusted.
CoxHealth is calling for a ban on the asbestos undergarments, especially those clearly being used as diapers. “Seriously, there’s nothing worse than changing a baby and discovering that you’ve been exposed to cancer-causing fibers as well as baby poop,” commented Cox Health nurse Erin Durden.
Some residents have come forth supporting the unconventional undies, suggesting that the itchiness goes away after some time. A popular new website selling the asbestos-lined material assures their product’s safety, but recommends that wearers frequently check for rashes, swelling, strange lesions or missing body parts.
“I woke up the other day and felt like I was missing something,” explained Republic man, Caleb Furkenmeier. “So I took a peak down there and noticed my ding-a-ling was gone! Everything’s okay, though. I found it this morning behind the couch.”
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