Archive for October, 2012
Some Republicans Actually Still have Todd Akin Signs in Their Yards
SPRINGFIELD, MO – Republicans and Democrats alike are shocked to find that even after so many controversial comments from Republican senate candidate Todd ‘Legitimate Rape’ Akin, some Republicans still, for some reason, have signs supporting him in their front yards. “It’s mind-blowing. Just that anyone could support him after what he’s said is crazy,” said […]
Romney Wants to Cut Funding to Tom Trtan’s Mustache
Springfield, MO - Wednesday night was the first of a set of three presidential debates between former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama. Pundits on both sides agree that Romney was the clear winner. Romney appeared more prepared, more energetic, and with a better grasp of the issues. To many, however, it was one […]
Akin Campaign Rebrands Itself with New “Re-Todd” Slogan
Jefferson City, MO – In a bid to resurrect his image to Missouri voters and distance himself from past statements, Rep. Todd Akin’s U.S. Senate campaign has rebranded themselves with a new slogan. The campaign team thought it was important to give voters a fresh impression of the man that Republicans see as key to […]
Flavored Meth Featured at Taste of Springfield
Springfield, MO – Native cuisines will be featured at SW Missouri’s growing festival, Taste of Springfield, this weekend downtown on the square. One specific booth will feature a recipe widely regarded as more popular than Chef David Leong’s cashew chicken: methamphetamines. The flavored meth booth will be one of 25-30 local restaurant exhibitors, cooking technique […]
Springfield Panhandlers Go On Strike
Springfield, MO- Blaming low pay, poor work conditions, and lack of benefits, local panhandlers are refusing to go to “work” starting on Thursdays. Panhandlers (who have been unionized since the late 80’s) Union Local 45 tells FCN unless conditions improve the homeless citizens will not be lifting a finger. A list of grievances given to […]
Apple Maps Drive SGF to the Core of Frustration
Springfield, MO – Apple’s new iPhone mapping software has caused quite a few problems in Springfield, FCN has learned. “I spent 3 hours following my iPhone trying to find the corner of Glenstone and Campbell to find that damn Jack in the Box,” St Louis native Andrea Piacello said in disgust while eating tacos from […]
Strippin’ Section of Sunshine Street Leads to Awkward Conversations
Springfield, MO- Charles Cranward’s trip down Sunshine street caused many awkward situations due to the numerous strip clubs and adult novelty shops on Tuesday. When the mid-level accountant drove from Bass Pro Shops to his home in west Springfield with his two daughters, Madison (age 9) and Lizzy (age 5), he had to face a […]
