Springfield, MO – Walmart confirmed their latest strategy to approve the new Neighborhood Market by enlisting First Lady Michelle Obama on her visit Springfield to meet with Mayor Stephens (who is visiting Washington D.C.). A White House spokesman stated, “The First Lady personally wants to inspect the location in question to see what the federal government can do to help Walmart meet its mission of saving people money and living better.”
Bistro Market spokesperson Sal Gator stated, “this is unfair, we can’t compete as it is, and now they bring in the First Lady, what’s next, the Pope?” Life360, the church which owns the land, released a statement to FCN, “Our prayers have been answered, the First Lady is going to visit with City Hall and help us get this rezoned! Next week the former – and current Sith Lord – Pope is coming!”
Anti-Walmart Spokeman Jon Nostor said, “We can’t believe Walmart has gone to these lengths to get that store built. We never figured they wanted a location THAT bad. We have no idea how to fight them now. We’re scared that if Michelle Obama doesn’t get this approved, they’ll call in someone even bigger…like Hillary Clinton, and we know she can get it done.”
Bistro employees echoed Nostor’s comments by stating that they’ve offered Mrs. Obama a tour of their store, complete with a free latte, some nice gelato with a sub, prepared this afternoon they could demonstrate to the First Lady that “we know how to provide quasi-healthy choices too, just like a world conglomerate!”
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