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Criminals Disobeying Gun-Free Zones in Springfield

New signs will help criminals understand local policies

Springfield, MO – During the past 48 hours, at least 2 incidents have led investigators to believe that armed criminals are not respecting “gun-free” zones. A recent shooting at Southern Hills Shopping Center and an armed robbery at the Battlefield Mall have experts wondering how criminal minds are not understanding the symbolic circle-with-line-crossing-out-a-gun icon has been misunderstood. “Clearly these are gun-free zones. What has been determined is that we have not properly displayed our signage and informed deviants that their weapons of choice are disallowed on our premises. We need to improve our safety by continuing to improve our policy,” said Battlefield Mall safety clerk Lonnie Pursewonger. Southern Hills Shopping Center is recruiting volunteers to distribute anti-gun messaging to all patrons who enter the parking lot. “We’re going to have all parking lot entrances covered so if an evil-minded person enters our strip mall they will immediately be informed of our no gun policy,” said Shelly Tripond a volunteer recruiter from the neighborhood. Studies show that none of these tactics have worked in the past. Local pontificator, Perry Filber, suggest that criminals are either choosing to ignore the signage, missed it unintentionally or more sinister have secured a weapons permit that is above the law. “It could be that these ne’er-do-wells have obtained special permits that give them permission from an evil overlord to carry weapons onto gun-free zones. If that is the case, we’ll need to adjust our signage to read ‘Gun-Free Zone, No Evil Permits Accepted’ – that should get the point across,” said Filber with raised eyebrows.

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