RSSArchive for August, 2013

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Springfield History Museum Sign Wins Subtle Award

Springfield, MO- With the lighting of the Springfield History Museum sign last week, many Springfieldians are excited about the prospect of a new and exciting historical experience in the heart of Springfield. Not only did the sign excite the general public, but the National Subtlety Association. The NSA (the one that give awards to nuanced […]

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Sink Hole Produces Giant Potato

Springfield, MO – A massive potato was uncovered from a sink hole near the intersection of Cox and Walnut Lawn on Tuesday. The unusual find was confirmed by City workers who had been securing the area since Monday. The potato reportedly near 6 tons and could produce 1.4 million French fries. Neighbors were shocked to […]

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NON-CELEBRITIES REACT TO EMMY NOMINATIONS

Springfield, MO – Last week, Hollywood’s television community stood at attention as the nominees for the 65th Annual Emmy Awards were announced.  When asked how she felt about the nominations in the Best Actress in a Drama Series category, Beth Moss of Springfield noted that she did not watch TV for religious reasons, but she […]

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Mail-Order Bride Expo

Springfield, MO – This weekend saw a Mail-Order Bride section added to the popular event held at the Springfield Exposition Center on Saint Louis Street. Admission was $5.00 but purchasing a wife was much more expensive. “We’ve always wanted to enhance our bridal experience and this year we added several new bridal gowns, floral arrangements […]

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2 Ticketholders Upset About Glenn Beck Conference

Springfield, MO – Approximately two people were actually upset that their ticket donations would not be refunded for the upcoming Covenant America conference, featuring Glen Beck, that was cancelled due to rain that fell weeks ago. The two people who were dissatisfied with the ticket terms represent all ticket purchasers to the event. “We thought […]

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High School Students Need To Be Reintroduced To English Language

Springfield, MO- After a summer filled with communications through only: texting, tweeting, meme-ing, and snap chatting, many Springfield area teenagers have to be reintroduced to not only proper grammar, but the English language as a whole. Most teachers have to start from the ground up for even the basic level of communication. “After 3 months […]

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Billboard Battle Fought with Billboard Ads!

Springfield, MO – Critics warning that proposed changes could lead to “hundreds and hundreds” of new billboards along local streets, and are taking that message to the very medium they are wishing to deter. “The billboard is a very effective medium for conveying a message, which is why we are constructing and acquiring space everywhere […]

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August Traffic Report

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Sign Lighting Sends Message to Mum

Springfield, MO – During a ceremonial lighting tonight of the new History Museum sign, a momentary secret message was sent to mothers across the pond; the coded communication read, “Hi to Mum”. Officials were able to bypass the programming seconds after the subject matter was revealed, but not before the stunt went viral. “I caught […]

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Law Enforcement Surprised Ozarks Actually Imports Meth

Springfield, MO – Police officials are puzzled by a new study which shows that the Ozarks are actually a major importer of the addictive drug known on the street as Meth. Said one source, “to be honest, we thought we were a pretty major exporter.” The news was alarming to exporters as well. “I thought […]

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August Horoscopes

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Child Enrolls Parent into School Online

Springfield, MO – For students wishing to pull an early school year prank registering their parents into class is easier than ever. For the first time Springfield Public Schools is offering online registration for students who are new to the district, with one click online enrollment can be achieved by any nefarious student wishing to […]

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MO Rodeo to Feature President Taft as Next Clown

Sedalia MO – After attracting a landslide of negative press over the weekend, the Missouri Rodeo Cowboy Association has decided to forego any reference of President Obama and focus on less polarizing political figures such as President William Howard Taft. An MRCA spokesperson released a statement explaining that Taft was a Republican and after serving […]

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Snake Oil – August

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Waynesville Family Evacuates Flooding to New Orleans

Waynesville, MO – Citing numerous irritations with dangerous flooding conditions, several people are considering making a move to higher ground, the Jerome’s are planning to evacuate to New Orleans, LA because, “I trust their levee system and can’t remember the last time they had any issues with flood waters,” said Dwight Jerome, head of the […]