Law Enforcement Surprised Ozarks Actually Imports Meth

Policeman baffled by reports of import meth

Springfield, MO – Police officials are puzzled by a new study which shows that the Ozarks are actually a major importer of the addictive drug known on the street as Meth. Said one source, “to be honest, we thought we were a pretty major exporter.”

The news was alarming to exporters as well. “I thought we had cornered the market in town, but there is always some new designer drug appearing that hurts our local sales,” said Julian Plonks, “I mean sure we can provide ‘locally sourced’ meth but we cannot compete with ‘Madagascar Meth’, ‘Montezuma Meth’ or the centuries old technique honed by the Chinese of ‘Mathematically Awesome Meth’,  I’m no mathematician.”

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The importation study was conducted last Spring and the results were verified by an independent auditing firm out of the great Northwest. Jamie Drivers of Meth-a-matics in Portland, Oregon said, “we found several instances of importation to the Ozarks. While the region is traditionally considered a major exporter, we found several cases of Meth-Anus which is directly tied to the product produced near Montezuma, a clear indication that someone is bringing the drug in from overseas.”

Local officials are searching for information that will lead them to the importing of illegal meth and are asking for the help of the public. “If you see someone with Meth –Anus, please let us know” pleaded one staffer.