Absolutely No One Plans Government Reopening Celebration

Even this nice elderly man is mad as hell

Springfield, MO – A recent poll suggests that absolutely no person alive is planning to celebrate the reopening of the US government once legislative dickbags come to their senses. Most people polled suggested that they felt ass-slapped by their elected leaders who are blockading progress to “stand up for constituents”.

Henry Biggins said, “Whoever is in Washington now should stay there. Don’t come home – we don’t want ya. You who are collecting paychecks to screw us over are dead to me. Good riddance to ya and your fuming carcass of corruption.”
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When provided with multiple choice options, those who were polled preferred alternatives to celebrating. 67% selected “removing politician’s pensions”, 13% chose “giving representatives the choice of which knee will be permanently removed” and 20% preferred “give the muckity-mucks a permanent job cleaning abandoned mine shafts”, while 0% opted for “let’s celebrate!”

Sociologists suggest that Americans are now uniting under a new banner. “We fight to reunite our country every day and for once we are all on the same page due to these rotting cattle arses in our government: clearly bipartisan support is to shitcan everyone who has ever held office and restructure elected leadership by nominating candidates whose focus will be on helping the people, not how the people can help them,” said Dr. Teresa Yonts.