Archive for 2014
Mike the Intern Breaks it Down
NOW THAT WE HAVE FINALLY CELEBRATED THANKSGIVING, ITS TIME TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS. NOW IF YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO DECIDE ITS OK TO SETUP YOUR CHRISTMAS STUFF BEFORE THANKSGIVING WELL, I HATE YOU. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM DOING THIS NEXT YEAR BECAUSE THANKSGIVING IS THE BEST HOLIDAY AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. NOW […]
Motivational Speaker: Mike McMichaelson
A Keen Observation from Mr. Mike McMichaelson: Adult Hugs There is no way to avoid these extremely awkward adult salutations. While 20 years ago when you saw a friend, you might wave or maybe shake their hand. Well folks, the shake is gone and the adult hug is here to stay. I have compiled a […]
Downscale Housing Development Announced
Springfield, MO – Not to be outdone by exclusive, upscale residential developments cropping up on the outskirts of Springfield, a local developer has broken ground on a new, but not-so-country-club-atmosphere neighborhood. The Gulleys at Ferrell Hog has entered its first phase of development now that real estate speculator, Bub Coy, has finalized purchase of the […]
MSU Opens Community Catbox
Springfield, MO – Though it will be used in the summer as a sand volleyball court, MSU athletic department officials have come to an agreement with CCLS (Crazy Cat Ladies of Springfield), to utilize the new, enormous sand pit as a gathering place in the off season for both stray and kept cats in Central […]
Cold Prevents Zombie Uprising
Springfield, MO – Insiders learned that hundreds of undead have postponed plans to overtake Springfield, MO due to frigid temperatures during a breach in a zombie gathering today beneath the city in a tunnel near downtown. “I hear them say ‘too cold’ and ‘postpone’ in between disjointed moans,” said Alex Lopinop, a zombie hunter and […]
Persimmon Chopsticks Seed Indicate GODZILLA!
Springfield, MO – According to weather folklore, the seed of a persimmon can give clues about an upcoming winter’s weather patterns; the fork, knife and spoon shapes are indicators to what winter may hold. However, this fall the seeds have yielded a rare shape, the chopsticks, and speculation is rampant as horticulturists try to find […]
Man Attempts Leaficide
Springfield, MO – Large trees are often considered beautiful especially during the fall when leaves change color in bright bursts of red, orange and yellow, however, one resident became overwhelmed by the falling foliage this weekend and was found in a leaf pile on the street after an attempted leaficdie outside his home. Neighbors said […]
Dead Bodies Cremated via Fireworks Display
Springfield, MO – Starting this Saturday, Greenfawn Memorial Gardens will showcase its first ever fireworks display by strapping dead bodies to large pyrotechnics in order to cremate dead people with a big bang. These heavy-duty fireworks are manufactured to be attached to dead bodies by PM Pyrotechnics. The inaugural display will be near Greenfawn Memorial […]
Screaming Soccer Mom Orgasms On Sideline
Springfield, MO – Cries of “Yes, yes, yes!” & “Go! Go! Go!” as well as “Faster! Go! Yes!” were heard during a children’s soccer tournament this weekend at Lake Country Soccer Fields, confirming suspicions of several bystanders that the lady jumping around was in fact having an orgasm on the sidelines. “What the hell are […]
Royals Win; Hell Drops to 60 Degrees
Springfield, MO – According to statisticians, the core temperature of hell has dropped significantly but not quite to freezing temperatures as the Kansas City Royals advance to the World Series, an event they haven’t participated in for over 29 years. “In honor of George Brett, I’m going to cover myself in pine tar and run […]
RAIN! Your Questions Answered by the Missouri DOT
As fall comes to southwest Missouri, it brings with it a host of difficulties for drivers, chief among these is more frequent rain. We spoke with Gerald Nash of the Missouri Department of Transportation to get answers to some tough questions posed by Springfield area drivers. Q: When it’s raining, how much is the speed limit […]
Reynolds to Retire; Voice Tony the Tiger Cartoon Mascot
Springfield, MO – After driving into the KY3 parking lot in 1967, Ned Reynolds has held a position with the company for nearly 50 years, but times change and he has announced his retirement to accepted a position with the Kellogg’s Company to voice Tony the Tiger, the advertising cartoon mascot for Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes […]
