Geese Kill Man in Gang Related Retaliation

Springfield, MO – In what city leaders fear may escalate into all out interspecies gang warfare, a man, Charles Donald, 45, was found dead in his yard, the victim of an apparent honk-by. Five geese were seen by witnesses walking by the yard, then attacking with wings and beaks ablazing. The geese immediately flew off after the attack before police could arrive. “It appears that this killing was in direct response to the murder of a goose last week in the parking lot of Grizzly Industrial,” explained police chief, Thomas Randall.” The goose victim was apparently a member of a goose street gang, Gaggle MFers, and it is not uncommon to retaliate one for one. Our hope is that the violence can stop there, but it is apparent that the man that killed the goose initially is a real a-hole, so anything is possible at this point.” It is unknown if Donald was the a-hole driver of the a-hole SUV that killed the goose, or if he was just an associate of the original a-hole.

“We are treating this as a situation with the potential to escalate, so we are increasing police presence throughout the community, and will be incorporating some innovative tactics in order to be proactive,” explained Randall. In order to diffuse the aggression and distract the geese gang members, police are leaving bread crumb trails throughout the city that all lead to Nixa. In a similar vein, police are leaving trails of whiskey bottles, Axe Body Spray bottles, and meth, leading to the police station, in an attempt to capture the a-hole geese killers with a-holey things they like.
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If anyone with any information regarding the gang-related violence are encouraged to call the police station.