New monster strolls into the lake

Lake of the Ozarks- With warmer weather and freedom from school beckoning teenagers to engage in dangerous and promiscuous activities, Lake of the Ozarks is promising a summer free from teenage slaughter. The Tourism Board is offering various activities such as: SeaDo rentals, nature hikes, and not being stabbed or eaten by anything. Many are skeptical that the Board can deliver what it promised.

“I know we had a rough go of things,” states PR rep Jason Voorton. “Last year it was the sharks that somehow got in the lake, who then fed on skinny-dipping teenage flesh; the year before that it was the shipment of piranhas that escaped and ate all those cheerleading camp participants; the previous before that was the psycho killer who focused on girls who recently lost their virginity.”

The rep then started talking about other failures of teenage safety dating back to the 1960’s: alligator attacks, crocodile feeding frenzies, grizzly bear maulings, and all sorts of giant bugs.

“I wish things were simpler,” said senior Megan Saunders, as she did a keg stand while skinny-dipping. “My great-great-grandma said in the 50’s everyone would just dance, drink Kool-Aid, and have a good time. Then she said ‘57 hit and the innocence was lost when the first Lake monster abductions started happening.”

Many teenagers are not afraid of the grave danger that lake life affords.

“Oh, I am sure that was nothing baby,” scoffed quarter back Ted Dawson to his girlfriend in his cherry red convertible parked by the lake. He then continued to comment, “It was just the wind, let’s keep making out. That’s it. WHAT!!! NO PLEASE. AHHHH!” Ted Dawson’s carcass was later found floating faceless in the ink black lake by two old, grizzled, fishermen.

“Oh sure, we are going to lose a couple kids every year to a lake ghost or giant snake. But, it isn’t a massacre until we lose 8. We all deserver a couple mulligans,” Jason said while fishing out Ted’s mutilated body with a large stick.

The powers-that-be are trying numerous things to cut down on the deaths such as adding more police, encouraging assemblage of torch-bearing mobs of angry people, and educating the public with seminars about safety.

“Remember, there is no such thing as safe sex, especially with the water hags hunting for impure flesh. And I know…because I am one!” screamed volunteer Karen Parks at the Abstinence Rally as she removed her disguise to throngs of screaming teenagers.

This guy will make you like anything he does

Springfield, MO – Several diners around town identified the Men’s Wearhouse Guy having dinner around town this week, trying to impress people with his various ways of saying “You’re gonna like the way I…” to many people.

“I was eating dinner at Metro and this grey-bearded man walked up to me and said ‘You’re gonna like the way I flambé.’ I wasn’t even sure who the heck he was until he left and I was all ‘that was the Suit Guy!’” said Nicole Missionvern of Ozark.  Another Metropolitan Grill diner confirmed, “he came right over and said, ‘You’re gonna like the way I sauté’ and I was all, ‘I’m pretty content with my meal’. Who does that guy think he is?”

The overconfidence even carried over to after-dinner activities. Louis Freidborge claimed a bearded man in a nice suit driving a convertible car exclaimed to him, “You’re gonna like the way I make a left-handed turn onto Lone Pine”. Said Freidborge, “It was pretty impressive the way he executed the maneuver.”

Most who interacted with the Men’s Wearhouse Guy said they at first thought that he was the Most Interesting Man Alive until he opened his mouth. “I asked him if when he drank beer he drank Dos Equis, to which he replied, ‘You’re gonna like the way I drink beer’, then I knew it was the Suit Guy.

The Suit Guy has also made such claims as, “You’re gonna like the way I sleep,” “You’re gonna like the way I mow the lawn,” and “You’re gonna like the way I execute internet queries.”

Down kittens, down!

Springfield, MO – According to angels, Jesus Christ sent enormous cuddly kittens to sit next to a Skepticon billboard located on S. Glenstone Avenue at Seminole Street. According to passer-byes, the freakishly large kittens began to attack the billboard poking holes into the canvas.

“Just because the kittens I sent to watch over the billboard were distracted by a wild string, doesn’t mean that I condemn the people of Skepticon, they are allowed to believe what they will. Those kittens were from a wild litter…I’ll tell you that now. I mean look at them – they’re freakishly huge cats!” said He.

Most people have driven past the billboard not exactly sure what to make of it. One driver interviewed said, “I figured it was that we could all agree that cute cats are well we all agree that little cats are cute. But huge freakish cats that destroy property shouldn’t be messed with by any means.” Another driver, Bobbie Wackina said, “Oh Lord, I thought it was an attack of Pussy Cats from Space. I drove my car straight into the cemetery, passed out, woke up and thought I was buried in a Chevy!”

Jesus released a statement earlier today which said, “Skepticon observers are people who are seeking answers. I am an all-knowing, omniscient lord searching for answers regarding these kittens. Why don’t kittens listen to anyone? Especially me! I told them to watch the billboard. Not get juiced on catnip and rip it to shreds. What can I say?”

Ella Richardson can’t believe her recess is not going to happen

Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision.

“I was s’pose to swing with Ella during my recess, but instead I had to stay inside and play math games cause of the bad man,” said Timothy Unger, a kindergartener at Mathews Elementary. “Joe and I were going to trade Pokemon cards at recess, but that was totally ruined by mister ‘shave my head and walk by the school barefoot’ ruining our trading time,” scoffed Nick Burgenson a 5^th grader at Espy Elementary.

Students at Nixa High School had mixed feelings. Sarah Begonia said, “I was so glad that he was nearby. My gym class was planning to run the track this afternoon but fortunately we stayed inside and played a game. Unfortunately, it was dodge ball and Jimmy Heffer hit me in the face with the ball…I think he likes me,” she said while blushing.

Springfield Public School students were understandably jealous. “Aw man, nothing cool ever happens around here,” said Kelly Piolos, a Junior at Parkview High School, “why can’t a fugitive like Joshua Brown – who is wanted for murder – walk by our school so we don’t have to do anything for an afternoon?”

Archie all gritty with a smoke

Springfield, MO- Some lucky Springfield High School students may be able to get their 10 minutes of fame thanks to Paramount Studio’s Archie reboot which is being filmed in the Ozarks. The shooting of the movie, which will take place in late May, will bring big stars to the area such as James Garfield, Diana Agron, Josh Hutcherson, Emma Stone, and Terry O’Quinn. But the stars can do it all so extras will be needed and Paramount is looking for local talent to fill in the gaps.

Taking the familiar Archie comics and twisting them into a gritty, more realistic tone is the brain child of David Fincher. “Every comic is getting a gritty reboot,” said Fincher. “And I thought, ‘Why not Archie?’ All the elements are their: wealth, love triangles, addiction, teenage angst, milkshake sharing. It will be perfect.”

When asked why film in Missouri, Fincher said, “It was simply because Riverdale needs a small town feel, which Springfield has the perfect feel for the movie. Also we need a huge black tower, a dancing fountain, a Chili’s, a giant walking robot statue, and a surrounding meth problem. Yeah, I am changing Jughead’s hamburger addiction to meth. We are really Winter Boning it up. Winter Boning it hard. In fact I thought Winter‘s Bone was a gritty reboot of Nancy Drew.”

The actors seem to be fitting in fine; adapting to the slow pace of Missouri from the hustle bustle of LA. “Yeah Jennifer Lawrence (Josh’s co-star in The Hunger Games) warned me about Missouri. She told me all about the hell hounds, spook lights, and the Indians trying to kill precocious youths in caves. I am getting used to it. We will all fit in eventually,” said Josh Hutcherson as his red polio shirt slowly morphed into over-alls.

The students and staff are looking forward to a piece of Hollywood entering their school. “We can’t wait for the filming,” stated Principal Crabton. “And I was a big fan of the comics growing up. Sure, I have my reservations about the gritty reboot such as Moose starting a fight club, Dilton starting a social network, and someone’s head ending up in a box. But, I trust Fincher’s artistic vision and his creepiness.”

There is a call for extras who either look like teenagers or methed-out adults.

Building bleeds pain for Heer’s

Springfield, MO – The Hotel of Terror building recently exhibited an act of compassion by crying tears of blood for the plight of the nearby Heer’s building. When questioned, the Hotel of Terror building said, “well I just wanted to express my sadness for Heer’s. At least I have a populace that inhabits my space once a year during October for a few days.”

The Heer’s Building, who has been publicly vying for attention and a permanent tenant, was overcome with satisfaction. “I’m so happy that the Hotel of Terror building decided to spew red blood cells on my behalf. I mean, lots of buildings go unused, but I truly didn’t’ expect that a space used to horrify and scare people would even show feelings for me… I wasn’t even aware that a building could bleed. We’ve shared the same latitude for a long time,” said the Heer’s Building.

According to sources, many buildings have tried to express their sorrow for the Heer’s Building but have been apprehensive to show their true feelings in fear of scaring off current tenants. “I’ve been aware of the plight of Heer’s for a long time,” said the McDaniel’s Building, “I could always count on Heer’s to let me know when one of my lights had burned out on the marquee, but I really never knew how to show my feelings. Now I do, bleed from the windows.”

The Heer’s Building can be followed on Twitter at the handle: @HeersBuilding.

Rockin' movies at Table Rock

Branson, MO – The Army Corp. of Engineers announced that it will show movies against the face of Table Rock Mountain for the pleasure of boaters, fishermen, and general water enthusiasts this summer. The TRL Summer Movie Series opens next weekend and will feature The Rock starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

“We have a projector boat, basically it is a photo cannon that floats on the water. It is one of the largest projector boats known to exist. Basically it’s the only one that I know of,” said Lance Metaford of Water Projections Inc. With the increase in local vacations, or staycations, more people are foregoing plane trips out of state and are keeping their vacation dollars nearer to home.

The Army Corp. of Engineers decided that a “movie night” would be a great way to thank and entertain visitors to Table Rock Lake, while hopefully attracting more tourists to the area. “Who doesn’t love a good flick, or hanging out on the water? Putting the two together is a great idea,” said Melinda Kissinger a long-time visitor to State Park Marina.

Second-run films will be the mainstay of the programming, however, most will feature ties to the area including The Rock, Lake Placid, and a special screening of Winter’s Bone.

Amish rockin' the flip phone

Seymour, MO- After years of only using turn of the century technology the Amish community in Seymour, Missouri decided it is time to move into the future. After a council meeting of the Society Elders it was decided that members of the community can use technology up to the mid-90’s.
“When we stopped progressing technology to avoid the evils of modern life, we never thought it was going to go this far. Sure, we were able to avoid the temptation of the horseless carriage, radio, and television. But, computers? DVD? Walk-men? Tamagotchi? We are not made of stone.”
They later stated that technology won’t be considered evil as long as it is 20 years obsolete instead of a hundred.
Because of the 90’s upgrade there will be numerous changes to the community. Instead of black outfits all members will wear grungy plaid and ripped jeans. Instead of churning butter, making quilts and jams, and traveling by horse drawn carriage they will be churning out simple web sites using HTML, making observational humor and wooden cases for beanie babies ,and travel by winged toasters. Also all male-female relationships will be changed from marriages to “will they or won’t they” relationship likened to Ross and Rachael in the first 5 seasons of Friends. And their main source of entertainment will be Jim Carry movies before he got all serious and “act-y”.

“We are very excited about the changes,” states community member Elijah Woodstack. “Of course the punishments are even worse now. You will either be put into the Real World type confessional booth and tell about all you discretions or wear the stained blue dress of shame.”
But, the Amish still have a sincere reverence for their beliefs. They pray daily and songs of faith can be heard during the morning worship. “I am all out of faith, this is how I feel. I am cold and ashamed laying naked on the floor,” the members sing in perfect unison during a morning church meeting.
The Amish will still be pacifist, only fighting if a Cacodemon wonders into the area or aliens wearing biomechanical suits blow up their newly raised barns (and only thing if Will Smith is not around). Ice Cream shoved in their face will still be allowed, but only if it is Dippin’ Dots, the ice cream of the future.

Mayor ready for another round!

Springfield, MO – With a term set to expire in April 2013, and with no intentions of running for a third term, Mayor Jim O’Neill suddenly announced this week that he is planning to re-sign. O’Neill has always put his heart and soul into the position, however, most council members expected him to leave office following his current obligations.

“No, no you heard wrong he has resigned,” commented an uninformed council member, “it means he won’t be coming back.” According to multiple sources, O’Neill was not going ‘all Ibarra’ and walking out on his responsibilities, rather he was re-signing for another round of torture by rhetoric.

“Not too many people can endure hours and hours of endless, mind-numbing conversation that spins in circles like a washing machine thrown in an eddy,” said Nerf Fredericksonn, a constant attendee at Council meetings. Fredericksonn went on to say that O’Neill was great on the board and is looking forward to another election year with O’Neill on the ballot.

O’Neill was unavailable for comment; however, reports indicate that he announced his intent to re-sign during a contentious debated around a handful of exemptions to the smoking ban.  “He lit up a stogie, and said due to personal and business pressures, he intended to re-sign. Immediately. He seemed pretty upset about it but I thought it was good news,” said Fredericksonn.